Proper Social Behavior

 My friend Muki knows many people but has few friends.  He has 14 children, but none who take care of him.  Many of them he is not on speaking terms with.  I don’t know how it came to be like this.  I have not heard most the stories.  I don’t know what he did, but I know he has had a hard life.  His education is minimal.  He is barely literate.  It’s fair to say that he has never moved in the circles of “polite society” and he doesn’t know what is proper and correct.  I believe he misses—or stopped caring about—social cues a long time ago.

View of the mountain from downtown

For me, Muki is a poor, old man who comes to my house to study.  Often times he says he hasn’t eaten anything that day.  I feed him and we study and often he is the one that says to me, “Let’s study.”  Most days at the end of the study he asks for something—some food, some medicine, taxi fare.  He never asks for large amounts, but it is rare for him to leave my house without asking for something, and often there are two or three requests.  

After nearly two years of study, I still wonder where his heart really is.  Some days it seems like he understands the good news so clearly.  Other days it sounds like he is just parroting back to me things he thinks I will like.  Still other days, it seems like he hasn’t understood anything at all.  On the other hand, he brought Mtsa to my house and I’ve watched Mtsa grow continually.  Muki also brings his family members by and is often happy to engage them in our study time.  If someone shows up while we are studying, Muki is happy to invite them to study with us and will share openly about how much he loves the things we study, how they are important and true and will change your life.  He tends to go on and on—hardly giving the other person a chance to respond.  Often I have to interrupt him so that the visitor can speak.

Last month I took him and Mtsa to a gathering of others who study.  The group was not very large—perhaps 8 in total.  We studied and sang and prayed.  This was their first introduction to the group.  I was keen for them to make a good first impression.  Mtsa conducted himself as you might respect.  A bit shy, but respectful, eager to listen to others and learn from them.  But Muki was Muki…

He had plenty to say.  Although a lot of it was rather unspecific.  It’s a problem I often face with Muki. “This is an important story.  I’ve learned so much from it.  I need to obey it and live my life like it says,” he’ll say.  

Playing games at English Club

Of course, you can say that about any story.  So I’m always trying to challenge him to engage with the specific story.  “What does THIS story say?  How specifically can we obey.”  Sometimes it works.  But sometimes it doesn’t.  

At the meeting it didn’t—just general platitudes about being a good person and helping others—followed up with an announcement that he knows everything really well because he’s been studying for two years.  He knows it all.  If that wasn’t bad enough he had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom 3 times, and was constantly looking at his watch.  When it came to prayer time, he was quick to offer his prayer request for certain material needs, but he didn’t seem to listen to the other prayer requests, glancing frequently at his watch.  When the meeting was over, there remained 4 plastic bottles of water.  The host had provided everyone with one at the beginning of the meeting.  Muki went over and grabbed all four remaining bottles to take home with him.  The host laughed awkwardly.  Mtsa shook his head.  Muki seemed oblivious or simply didn’t care—perhaps he saw it as his right.

So much for a good first impression.  And yet, I’m not really surprised.  But I struggle to know what it all means.  None of these things were very serious.  I know a lack of social skills and social graces will not keep us from heaven.  At the same time, does it reveal something more about Muki’s heart?  Who can know a man’s heart?  Perhaps the problem isn’t Muki.  Perhaps it’s me.  Embarrassed by his ways, I feel my own reputation pulled down a bit— a slight blow to my pride.   But Muki keeps coming to study, and we keep talking.  And love covers over a multitude of sins…and social missteps.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Ma Imani is feeling better— thanks for praying for her health. We got to livestream the end of term concert from our kids’ school in mainland Kenya— we are thankful for these points of connection. We have been able to get through most of our to-do list going into travels later this week. 

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray that Muki’s heart would be changed and that the things he has studied would stick and lead to changed behaviors and attitudes. Hashiri continues to study with Megan, but the stories are challenging her long-held ideas. Pray for her as she wrestles with what is true. We are traveling this week to meet up with Megan’s parents and brother for some vacation. Pray that the travels would go smoothly with no lost luggage or missed connections and that everyone would stay healthy throughout the trip. Continue to pray for our colleague from the small island as she recovers and heals on medical leave— pray for complete healing and for wisdom on how to recover well. Pray for the family from the medical team as they continue to process, recover, and plan their next steps. 

Simple Job of Changing a Light

The light in our office stopped working.  It, like most of the things original to the office, was old.  Old walls, old doors, old lights.  The light that stopped working was a fluorescent light.  Having switched out a couple of lights at our house I knew that fluorescent tubes cost quite a bit and for the same price I could buy a new LED light.  I’ve installed them before by myself, so I thought I could do it at the office too.  But things are rarely that straight forward here on the islands.

One of the newer LED lights at our house

I climbed up a stack of plastic chairs to replace the light, and started to strip the wires in order to make a new connection, only to find that one of the wires didn’t appear to have any copper in it.  I can’t say I’ve ever seen that before.  It was bizarre.  I pulled out a bit more of the wire but it was the same another 4, 6, 8 inches down.  There simply wasn’t any copper in the second wire.  I am no electrician, so if you electricians out there know what was going on, feel free to email me and explain this phenomenon, because I was flummoxed.

At that point I knew I needed to call the landlady and ask for her to send an electrician.  The morning the electrician arrived, I explained to him the best I could the strange thing I had discovered.  I told him I think we needed to put in a new wire.  But he didn’t seem to believe me, so he climbed up the pile of plastic chairs and checked himself.  

After a little checking he told me, “Here’s the problem—there’s no metal in this wire.  It’s not going to work.”

“You’re the electrician.” I replied.  He then proceeded to look further and further down the wire for a place with copper, but the wire was so old and so brittle it was breaking apart in his hands.  This went on for about 20 minutes.

“Maybe we should get some new wire.” I suggested, “How much would it cost? $20?”

“Yeah, about $20,” he said.  “But if I put the lamp over there, we can bypass all this bad wire and then the job would be done.”

“You’re the electrician,” I acquiesced.  “It’s okay with me.”

So he got to work putting the lamp on the other side of the room.  He got it all set up, another 30 minutes of work.  Only when he installed it, it still didn’t work.  The wire on the other side of the room wasn’t much better than the wire he had bypassed. 

“Maybe you should go out and buy some new wire?” I proposed.  But he was already off on a new solution.  He decided to use a section of wire he knew worked, only it was much too short to reach across the room.  So his solution was to ask if he could move the light and the light switch from one wall to the other.  This would require less wire and would actually put the light switch in a better location…

“Your’e the electrician,” I sighed, “go ahead.”

As he worked away he spoke to me, obliterating any chance I had of getting any work done.  We talked about weather and religion and life on the islands.  It didn’t seem like he was really interested in hearing anything I had to say, he just liked to talk.  Another hour later, my morning was completely shot, but he flipped the switch and the light came on.  I thanked him profusely for his hard work and he was on his way.  

It took much longer than it needed to, but in the end he found a solution that didn’t require any new wiring, and saved me money.  I tried the light a few times to see that it was really working and reflected on the differences in priorities between different cultures.  The important thing was the light worked.  Time to go home.  As I started locking up I noticed the outside light was on. Strange… He must have flipped it when he was working.  I flipped the switch back.  Nothing happened.  I flipped it again. Nothing.  I flipped a couple of other switches.  Nothing.  Ugh…Looks like he rewired something wrong.  I guess I need to call him back.

But then I thought about it…We don’t use the office at night.  We never turn on that light.  It’s got an old fluorescent bulb.  Quickly I hauled the pile of chairs out on to the verandah and removed the fluorescent tube.  Light’s out.  Problem solved.  I locked up the office and headed home.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We were able to watch a recording of our son’s play— he and his classmates did a great job! The men had their gathering at a local brother’s house and went okay— Tom even brought Muki and Mtsa to it.  Ma Imani’s kids are feeling better. Our daughter has been feeling a lot better physically lately.  We had a nice visit from a short-termer visiting from the big island. Megan hurt her ankle on Saturday and we weren’t sure how serious it was, but we are very thankful that it seems to be healing quickly (praying for full recovery). 

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Yesterday there was a horrible bus accident coming from the plateau (where the medical team is based)— at least 11 people lost their lives. Fatal car accidents are not common here. Pray for the grieving families and communities. Pray for Ma Imani— while her kids are feeling better, she is having lingering symptoms— pray for a full recovery for her. Continue to pray for our older two kids as they near the end of their school term— that they wouldn’t be stressed as they prepare for exams and as our daughter works on college applications. Pray for the teams on the islands as they deal with teammates gone for different amounts of time, especially those whose return plans are uncertain. Pray that God would help them get used to the different dynamics of different sized teams and that everyone would continue to feel cared for and supported.

Sharing Personal Stories

The photo shoot went on for quite a while. Islanders enjoy taking photos with lots of different configurations of people. So Mtsa wanted a photo with Tom, him and the two visitors and then with just him and the two visitors, and then with each of the visitors individually. He asked them multiple times if they would remember him, seemingly wanting reassurance that this encounter had been as meaningful for them as it had been for him. 

Visitors visit one of Tom's classes

Our two visitors had sat with Tom and Mtsa for hours, sharing their stories (with Tom working hard as translator). They shared about their journeys of faith and for Mtsa it was really his first time hearing other men (who weren’t Tom) talk like this. The stories were deeply personal and the impact on Mtsa was clear. Island men don’t usually share with each other like that. 

Tom’s friend, Fakhadi, loves to debate and is always trying to drag Tom into theological arguments. As we discussed with other expats this Sunday, other expats shared their frustration with island friends, who similarly only seem to want to debate and argue. Usually people like this aren’t really listening or engaging, they are just looking to win the argument, so discussions can feel pretty fruitless. But Tom shared the way that he has been able to redirect those conversations. He makes it personal. When he talks about his personal experience, suddenly Fakhadi will go quiet. Fakhadi wants to talk about ideas, not his own heart. 

Tom has been struggling to get the island brothers to meet monthly.. Ultimately, it isn’t actually monthly meetings that Tom wants. He wants to see the brothers engaged in each others’ lives, praying for each other, encouraging each other, holding each other accountable and learning to trust one another. None of these are happening presently, so Tom thought that monthly meetings (which the women do very faithfully) would be a good way for the men to begin to get to know each other better, to get in the habit of confiding in each other and hopefully of encouraging one another. 

So far it hasn’t really caught on. There have been a couple meetings, but without Tom there last month, a meeting didn’t happen. Even the meetings that did happen haven’t included much personal sharing from the island brothers. Tom was frustrated when the day after their men’s meeting he learned about something major happening in one of the brother’s lives, which the brother hadn’t mentioned at the meeting. Why wouldn’t he have shared that?

Being honest and vulnerable, admitting to struggles or showing that things bother you, it is a bit of a foreign concept for the men here.   Not that island culture is unique in that, lots of cultures discourage men from being vulnerable, but we see that it stops island men from finding unity and true brotherhood with each other.  We remember in English Club (which is mostly men) that we asked if they had anyone that they really trusted. Most of the men responded that they only trusted their mother. When questioned if they really didn’t have even one good friend that they trusted, most of them said they had no one like that. No one to tell their secrets to or to confide in. No one with whom to share their personal stories. 

Our son dressed for school play

No wonder it was so meaningful for Mtsa to have these two men share so deeply with him. They may have been foreigners, they may not have spoken his language, but they were willing to share more of themselves than most of the men around him. 

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We are thankful that this past week had fewer stressors than the previous couple weeks and that we were able to have a low-key weekend. We are thankful that our daughter is feeling better and that the flare-up of her rheumatoid arthritis resolved quickly. Our son’s drama performances at boarding school went well this weekend and we’ve been told it was recorded and should be uploaded soon so that we can watch it too! All reports are that our son did a great job. The water at our house has improved and we have been able to keep our barrels pretty full. Our two visitors made it safely to the small island and then to the big island, and another visitor (a short-termer on the big island) made it safely here to Clove Island today. The island women met last week and it was a large group, including one new face. There is a plan for us to gather as a large group and celebrate the holidays in December. 

PRAYERS REQUESTED
The men are meant to be meeting this week. Pray for the men to be motivated to meet and grow together. Pray for insight for Tom on how to proceed.  Pray for Ma Imani and her family— she and 4 of the 6 kids are currently sick. Pray for healing for that family. A new expat family with another group has arrived on Clove Island— pray for their adjustment to the islands (including their kids starting at local school and for their rented house which seems to have some water issues). Pray for the continued follow-up of the crises from the last couple weeks— may we learn from these crises and find clear ways forward for all the people involved. Pray for unity among people and clarity for the decision makers as different people advise on the next steps.  Pray for our two kids at boarding school as they have two weeks before their end of term exams and are starting to feel the pressure build. Pray also for our daughter as she wants to get her college applications in order by the end of term as well. 

Understanding

In our son’s homeschool, we have been studying the history of astronomy. Some great thinkers of the past looked at the night sky and tried to find explanations for why things moved like they do. Elaborate explanations and models were made. Some of them were able to predict a lot of the astronomical events correctly, but then they’d find that one thing was off. There was some star or planet’s movement that wasn’t explained with their current model. This was because one of their conclusions was wrong (for example, thinking the earth was the center of the universe) or missing a key piece of information (that heavenly bodies often move in ellipses instead of perfect circles). Until the wrong idea was corrected or the new idea accepted, the calculations wouldn’t fall into place. 

Afternoon sky over the islands (see the bats?)

Another example of this:  Our son has a 3D puzzle that has to be put together in a certain order. He’s memorized how to do it, and enjoys seeing people struggle to figure it out. The key is that if you don’t get two pieces into their proper places first, the rest will never fit together. Those early astronomers need some key ideas in place before they’d be able to understand the rest. 

This applies to people too.  People are complicated. Sometimes we see their actions and decisions and wonder what they are thinking! Our brains fill in possible motives and explanations for why people do what they do, but we can be wrong. We can create a narrative that explains the events, but it may not be right. 

Our island friend has been complaining about her family and how their actions towards her have been seemingly mean and inexplicably antagonistic. They are mad that she is studying English. They don’t want her to go to the doctor to follow-up on some medical concerns. They are upset  about her planting flowers around the house. It paints a picture of a really unloving, unkind, unreasonable and erratic family life. Our friend said she was clueless as to why her family is always bothering her. She isn’t good at reading people.  All she could think was that they didn’t love her and/or were jealous. But just this week, we finally learned the missing piece of the puzzle that helped the tableau all fall into place. 

Our friend’s family want her to get a job. She graduated from the local university awhile ago. She has left and/or refused a few jobs in the past that were not to her liking. This is in a place where most people are poor and jobs are scarce. To put it simply, they are tired of her being a financial drain on the family without contributing anything. That’s why they got upset when she decide to start taking English classes (which cost money). That’s why her going to the doctor again (money) rubs them wrong. That’s why her spending lots of time gardening (and not looking for a job) is a source of conflict. This was the missing piece of information that has helped us understand her family dynamic. Suddenly their reactions don’t seem so unreasonable or incomprehensible.  We may not condone their petty ways of showing irritation, but we can understand where they are coming from and why they are so frustrated. 

Son's 3D puzzle

We (Tom & Megan) are very thankful that we have each other— because sometimes we don’t understand people and it can be easy to make assumptions and judgments about their motives and/or priorities. In our better moments, we remember to challenge one another and imagine what missing pieces there might be that could explain or make reasonable that which seems initially unreasonable. 

Sometimes the needed insight only comes after a hard conversation, where we speak and act based upon wrong assumptions, only to receive information that reframes our understanding of the situation.  But we often need each other to help process and get a new perspective. We need to realize where we are filling in gaps of information with our own narrative and be able to realize that we could be wrong. Ultimately, we need to give people the benefit of the doubt, learn to ask questions and listen to the answers.

Astronomers went thousands of years embracing wrong ideas that frustrated any progress to truly understanding what was going on. We pray that we will be quicker than that at realizing our mistakes.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We’re thankful for a nice visit with people from our organization’s regional office.  We are thankful to hear that a new leader of the Coast Guard has been chosen which we hope will help the boat business get approvals and paper work more easily.  We have a new sister who got dunked over the weekend.  We’re excited to hear that her two adolescent children are happy for her and hope to go get dunked some day too.  We’re thankful that in the midst of crisis we have lots of great people whom we work with, who are quick to listen and not jump to conclusions.  We wouldn’t be able to endure these things without their support.  We’re thankful for the One who carries our burdens.


PRAYERS REQUESTED
It has been a difficult couple of weeks dealing with a couple of crises that have resulted in two families leaving the islands, one from the little island and one from our Clove island.  This has resulted in a lot of work, emotional stress, and sadness.  Pray for the colleague who is out of hospital but waiting for further test results.  Pray that she would be healthy and that she and her family would be able to return.  Pray for healing and safe travels for the other family as they leave.   Pray for the boat business to get paperwork and approvals more easily, for good personnel—especially experienced boat captains and mechanics, and especially people with these skills who have a heart for the kingdom.  It’s been difficult meeting with Muki and Mtsa lately because of scheduling and unforseen changes to plans.  Pray that we could get back into good rhythms of study and for them to be sharing with their family.  Pray for our daughter who is struggling with an arthritis flare up this week. Pray for our son who has a drama performance coming up this weekend. Pray for the island women as they gather this week to study and potentially to discuss plans for how to celebrate the holidays as a group. Our water situation hasn’t been great lately, pray that would water would come to our house so we can fill our barrels and cistern.