Connecting

How do people connect? Or more importantly how do we connect other people to each other?

Connecting at an English Ceremony?

At an English class graduation ceremony this weekend I noticed how two teachers from different programs, different villages, different ages really connected.  They were talking about how to help each other and their English programs thrive.  Meanwhile two other teachers stood off to the side.  They also represented different villages, programs, ages—but they were not connecting in the same way.  What was going on?  Was it simply personality?  Or could there be something we are missing?

We are, admittedly, not natural networkers.  Some people seem to be able to create great webs of connection and relationships and help connect people to one another.  We are not gifted at this.  Yet we realize the necessity of helping make connections if we want to see communities grow on the islands.

It is often a challenge for us on the islands—what connects people and what doesn’t?  It seems more complicated than in America. In America it seems like a fairly simple formula: 

[Similar Interests] x [Shared Time] = [Greater Connection]

We know it’s more complicated than that, but lots of friendships start around these building blocks.  But it does not seem to work that way in the islands.  Take for instance, similar interests.  We have tried, over the years to bring brothers or sisters together for regular meetings—people that should have similar interests—but time and again, most attempts to create connection by simply creating shared time have failed.  Similar Interests and Shared Time usually are not enough.  The connections may continued for as long as the foreigners are organizing it, but once they stop the connection falls apart.

So what does seem to bond islanders together?  Interest and shared time do play roles.  We have seen people bond because of English and become a sort of social group.  We see this also with sports teams and drumming groups or school groups.

Connecting at a cultural event?

Another things that bonds people together is self-interest.  It pains us to say it, but many relationships are based on gain.  One good island friend will talk about this in a shameless way.  “Relationships are how you get anything out of this life.  They are more important than money.  I have gotten so many things from being friends with you.”  He is not talking about abstract things like love or knowledge. He means material things or advantages like a business opportunity or the gifts we bought him in the US. This can sound shallow to American ears, but is perfectly reasonable to islanders.  

But we’re not sure if mere social groups nor relationships based on self-interest carry a lot of trust for islanders. And trust is something we definitely desire in the connections we make.

So what else? Family and village are certainly a factor.  It’s just easier for an islander to trust someone who is from the same place —or even better shares some blood-relationship with them.  There is somehow the sense that someone from another place, someone with no relation, will eventually cheat you and can’t be trusted.  


So the island formula might look something like:

[Similar Interest] x [Shared Time] x [Similar Family/Village] x [Mutual Gain] = [Greater Connection]

All this could seem rather depressing. Take for instance, Uhaju, who is desperate for more community.  Recently we were able to bring him to a gathering where he was able to meet other brothers and sisters.  He was greatly encouraged by the meeting, but did any connection arise from it?  Time will tell, but nothing immediately has arisen.  Looking at the formula above, only 2 of the 4 factors had been filled.  Uhaju has no family/village connection that we are aware of.  And it seems there is little worldly profit for others to gain in a connection to him. But thankfully there is a higher power at work than this formula and we have seen a few examples of great connection happen between islanders, even when they were from different walks of life and different villages, even when one was poor and/or uneducated and didn’t have much to offer.  

Or maybe we’re looking at those outliers in the wrong way. Maybe all the factors of the formula have been fulfilled in those instances, but just in nontraditional ways.  Because in truth all of these factors are fulfilled in the good news that tells us we are one family, blessing each other, growing together (mutual gain) in our shared interests and desire to be together. Connection is possible, even against the odds. Perhaps we just need to pray for it!

Birthday Beach Outing

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Tom was sick this week, but we are thankful that he is feeling better and that we were still able to celebrate his birthday (just slightly more subdued). We’re thankful that Dimi made it safely back to the islands and that it seems like his trip was encouraging. Tom was able to get a multi-entry visa for Kenya, something we’ve never been able to get before but very helpful. Our teammate had a good final week on the island with lots of good interactions and is now on her way back to her home country.  


PRAYERS REQUESTED
Lots of people are sick on Clove Island right now with cold/flu like symptoms. Testing isn’t happening much anymore, so not sure if it is a COVID wave or something else, but everyone we talk to has someone in their family not doing well. Pray for healing and quick passing of this wave of illness. The women were meant to meet this week, but it’s unclear whether enough people are healthy. Pray that the meeting would still happen even if it needs to be postponed. We continue to pray for Uhaju and increasing connections between brothers and sisters on the islands. Tom leaves Clove Island on Saturday for a week- pray for safe travels and connections. We read that the airline might have a pilot strike soon— pray that his flights still fly! Continue to pray for the islands amidst continuing shortages.

Why Was I Worried?

 It is humbling to realize how many times I have to learn the same lesson.

Some lessons we’ve managed to learn. When hardships come, we know that God will provide and in some situations we don’t even notice the potential hardships because we have grown to trust that we will be provided for and it will all turn out okay. Thoughts that used to bother us and cause us to worry might still pop into our minds, but they don’t linger or take root in our hearts. In those situations we can remind ourselves of God’s promises, we can remember the lessons of His faithfulness in our past and be reassured.

Ready for school in France (2012)

But some areas in their life we are slow to learn.
 
One slow-learning area has been related to our kids. We knew when we answered the call to serve overseas that it would mean our future children would have unique blessings and hardships. We knew that (like all parents) our choices would greatly impact our kids.

But still anticipating hard times for our kids is rough. If there is a hardship that hits one of us parents or that is hitting the family as a whole, it’s easier to remember the lessons of God’s faithfulness, but if it’s just our kids, the troubling thoughts are more likely to linger and more likely to take root in worry. In worry, our minds come up with lots of reasons why the current situation is unique, how the factors are new, thereby subconsciously trying to convince our hearts that these new factors somehow invalidate the previous examples of provision.

When our oldest daughter was set to start school, we happened to be in France. We had only arrived days before. She had never been to school. The school would be all in French with native French speakers. She didn’t know any French. She was starting mid-year with a group of kids that all knew each other already. My mind had lots of reasons why this could be really hard on her. Would she cry? cling to my leg? be miserable? We prayed about it and got others praying, but it was still with nervousness and worry that I walked to school with her on the first day. That’s when God (through our daughter) totally astounded me. As soon as we got to the door, our daughter ran right in without being told, without a backward glance and started doing a puzzle at one of the tables with another child. Even the teacher was surprised and assumed our daughter had been to school before. I saw it for what it was, a lesson that God was answering prayers and watching over our daughter. I didn’t need to worry.

School on the islands (2014)

This early lesson hasn’t stopped us from worrying multiple times with our kids at school. When we transitioned to the islands, the new factors were the facts that they were the only foreign kids, and that island teachers didn’t work very hard to make things fun or interesting, preferring to use fear and shame as motivators for learning. Still somehow our daughter’s transition to island school went fine. Next it was the fact that our three kids are different— our daughter was fine, but our sons have unique factors that might have made school more difficult for them. We could feel worry creeping into our hearts.

And to be honest, sometimes island school has been difficult. But each time we’ve hit a major transition point and gotten ourselves worked up about it and proceeded to get people to pray, God has answered in amazing ways and left me questioning, “why was I so worried?”

So now to the latest lesson— lots of new factors to feed the worry machine… high school, boarding school! (with all the accompanying challenges), our older (easily bored) son only doing homeschool, our youngest at local school by himself having struggled with French— it was easy to imagine that this fall could have left all three of our kids really struggling (or at least that’s what worry told our hearts). We’ve prayed a lot and even though I know it shouldn’t surprise us anymore, we have been amazed by how well our kids are doing. I am humbled, because even as I knew that God is faithful and I knew He had provided in similar circumstances, I had also prepared myself for this fall not going well.

Doing some homeschool art time! (this week)

I shouldn’t be surprised. Our daughter is doing great and seems to be thriving with friends, teachers and classes she really enjoys. Our sons have adjusted quickly to their new schooling situations. The older coming up with so many activities and things he wants to grow in that his schedule is full, leaving little time for boredom. The younger being blessed by an unusually patient island teacher and also understanding more French than he ever has.

Why was I worried again? Isn’t this the same lesson? Thankfully we have a very patient Father willing to provide us the same lessons again and again. And maybe soon, we will still remember to pray fervently and we will see Him be amazingly faithful, but we can skip the worrying part.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Praise that our three kids are all doing fine in their respective school situations.  Definitely an answer to prayer.  Rice is back in the shops and we think flour has started to come back! We are hoping the bakeries will be back to full production soon.  Two of our teammates are getting ready to head back to their home countries for some months.  They have both had very successful terms and we are so thankful for the growth, strength, perseverance and love shown by each of them.  We’ll miss them and will look forward to their return.  Tom’s good friend, Barak is back from 5 months of medical treatment on another island.  The reunion was very joyful.  Barak appears to be in much better health after two operations, and he joyfully told Tom it is because of our prayers he is better.  Hoping this is an opening for more healing and new life!


PRAYERS REQUESTED
Just because things are going well does not mean there won’t be challenges along the way.  Pray with us for our kids, and your kids—there are bound to be difficulties, hard times, and struggles but we never have to give up hope.  Let’s keep praying for them—our Father is faithful.  Dimi will have a chance to visit with a counselor during his travels, may it be a comfort to him in his grief.  Keep lifting up his children as well.  Pray for Uhaju as he continues to search for more fellowship.  Pray that island brothers and sisters across the islands would desire to see each other at least once a week, if not more.  So many seem content with once a month or less.  Tomorrow is Tom’s birthday and he got home from class this evening not feeling well.  Pray for him to feel better quick!

What We Pass Down

Recently our neighbor cut down a tree out in his fields.  It was a large breadfruit tree, at least 2ft in diameter—a hard wood, that has a bright yellow color inside.  What did he do with it?  As you may have guessed, much of it went for firewood—not for heating a home but for cooking.  Even here in the city, although many homes have cooking stoves powered by gas or kerosene, many still prefer to cook over an open flame (especially as gas prices have risen).   

The beginning sections of trunk

The whole tree was useful. The branches would be used for cooking.  The large lush green leaves would be much enjoyed by cows and goats, as animal feed.  But the trunk had a special purpose.  The trunk was cut into sections, about 2-3 feet high and put in our courtyard.

The next day the artisan arrived, his only tools a long machete and an adze.  He quickly went to work on one of the sections of trunk.  Wood chips started to fly, all the way up to our second floor veranda.  As he turned the wood, chopped with his machete, and scooped with his adze, a shape took form.  He was making a shino, a large wooden mortar used for crushing and pounding—especially the cassava leaves used in the national dish.  As we watched him work we were impressed by how hard the wood was, but also with how quickly he could make one.  By the end of a day he had finished.  A shino goes for about a hundred dollars—on the islands, that’s not bad for a day’s work. He came back day after day, the tree ultimately producing 6 or 7 more shinos.

The man making the shino was not young and he had no apprentice with him.  Megan asked if he was training anyone else to do it.  The neighbors didn’t think so. His kids would go to school, they wouldn’t sit and learn his craft.  Who would make shinos after he was gone? The neighbors didn’t know and paid lip service to the fact that he needed to teach someone, but none of them is going to volunteer their kids to be his apprentice.  Could this become another lost art?  Perhaps someday.

Shino taking shape

What gets passed down to the next generation?  What is worth passing onto our children and what are the things they no longer need?  In island school, children still learn to write in cursive (something we’ve heard has been dropped in a lot of US schools). Is such a skill really necessary, when messages are more often written with thumbs on a phone these days than with a pen?  Islanders are careful to pass onto their children the art of recitation.  At our teammates house a little school sits next door where every day children come to memorize long chapters of Arabic verses, the meaning of which they don’t understand, but which will be important for ceremonial events, from weddings to burials and everything in between.  Chanting is an expected part of island culture and carefully passed down to each generation.

Part of me hears their chanting of words they don’t understand and feels exasperated at the uselessness of it all.  But what we pass down, shows what is important to us and what we value!  We wonder at our own culture.  What are we passing on with gusto and what are we failing to share with equal care?  Whether intentionally or not, we often pass on to others the things that are important to us.

We may claim somethings as essential to our life, but if we fail to pass it onto others, another reality is revealed.  Meanwhile, things we claim to be of little importance, we carefully reinforce through our ardent love for them.  What do we truly value?  What are we passing on? Perhaps the artisan who makes such fine shinos takes no pride in his work?  Perhaps he just sees it as something to make a buck.  Or perhaps he doesn’t want to teach others—perhaps he does not want competition.  Perhaps again, he simply hasn’t thought about it, and if an apprentice came along, he would be happy to teach him.  

The reality is that if we know something that is important, we should be teaching it to someone else. If we aren’t passing it down, then we are ultimately making it unimportant.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
A truly big shipment of rice finally came to Clove Island! Other shipments have been small and unsatisfying, but with this one, everyone that we know has found a sack of rice (even us) and we see stacks of them in shops again. What a relief! The women’s gathering went well and was well attended. Our daughter continues to do well at boarding school and had a great midterm break.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Rice has come but there are still shortages of several other things— the one we are feeling the most is the flour shortage, which means we can’t find bread. Pray that flour would come soon! Pray for the continuing rise in crime here— people say the youth being deported from the French Island are bringing their lives of crime back with them and don’t know any shame. One of our island friends was beaten up by some of these youth while she was out in the fields. Pray for her healing and for her husband to take good care of her. Pray for Dimi’s kids as he is traveling for the first time off island since their mother died. One local brother lost his father this past week and we go as a group tomorrow to give our condolences. Pray that we could be an encouragement to him and also pray that Uhaju might be able to join us and start to be more connected with the community.

Only One Month

It has only been a month since his wife has died, but Dimi hasn’t had the freedom to take a break from life. Beyond the daily duty of caring for his four kids, he also needs to work to provide for them. Dimi admitted that it has been rough in lots of different ways, even while he can point to all the examples of God’s goodness and of the way people have been coming alongside him to help him with the kids. Women in the extended family are coming over and helping prepare food and clean the house. They worked it out so his kids are in the same classes as their cousins, so the burden of ferrying kids to/from school is shared. Life keeps going, even as the lives of him and his kids has changed so much. They’ve had to transition to new routines, school has restarted and their lives have rearranged—and it’s only been a month!

On river hike

It’s only been a month, but Dimi tells us that pressure started as soon as his wife’s funeral (a mere days after her death). The pressure for him to find another wife.

When Megan had first explained Dimi’s situation to an island friend—just that a man with 4 kids had lost his wife—her friend was very quick to say that he just needed to find another wife (ideally an unmarried sister or cousin in his wife’s family) to raise his kids. She made it sound easy and that after that, all his problems and difficulties would be over. But this was an islander who doesn’t know Dimi or his  heart.  She was just talking generally—that’s what should be done in these situations.  But Dimi has a different kind of heart. 

Unsure on 1st day of school

We knew the pressure to remarry would come eventually, but we didn’t realize how quickly and how directly. But no, days after the funeral, Dimi was told directly that now that his wife was in the ground, he was free to start looking for a new wife (and he should!).  There is even a story that says that their prophet said as soon as the dirt has filled in the grave, on the walk back from the graveyard, a man should start searching for his new wife.  To our ears, it boggles the mind how anyone could be so callous, but many islanders would nod their heads in agreement and add an amen to this sentiment.

Thankfully Dimi is able to use these conversations to share that his view of marriage is very different from that of most islanders. His wife was not just the mother of his children and the woman who cooked and cleaned at his house. She was a partner in his life.  Two had become one.

Unfortunately this is not how islanders usually view marriage. In our experience, most island men would confidently say that their mother is the most important woman in their life. Their reasoning is that wives are replaceable (you can always get another one), but your mother isn’t. We have often lamented this feeling among island men.   Thankfully we have known some island men who have good marriages where they truly love their wives. We doubt these men would be so flippant about replacing their wives. But we pray for more islanders to feel this way— we pray that more islanders would respect marriage so much that they took time to find the right partner.

After good first week!

Many years ago, Dimi was riding in a car with Tom and he shared that, though he loved his wife very much, he regretted not finding a wife with the same heart.  That if he had to do it over again, he would have married someone of the same heart, soul, mind and strength.  Tom was able to remind him of that conversation.  Dimi said he remembered that conversation well.  He had not forgotten and that’s why he asked us to pray for him.

So the reality for Dimi is that he is feeling a lot of pressure, and that pressure will most likely only continue. To be fair, we are sure that some of these people who are pressuring are trying to be helpful. They are thinking of his kids and how hard it is to raise and care for kids without a wife. They are thinking of him and his loneliness. They aren’t used to men caring so much for their wives and may see themselves as being helpful. But it isn’t helping him grieve his wife and process what life now looks like for his family. It's only been a month.

PRAYERS ANSWERED

Megan’s knee is doing a lot better.  Our colleagues returned from the medical conference.  It sounds like it went well and was very encouraging.  Our youngest son’s first week of school went really well.  It seems like he has a good, encouraging teacher and he seems more comfortable speaking up in class (speaking French) than he was last year—we are so thankful!  Our daughter is having a great time enjoying a beach vacation with friends from school.  We’ve been able to talk to her a few times and are happy to see her doing so well—even if we miss her tons.  

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray for Dimi and his children, for them to find the space to grieve and for Dimi to remain strong amidst the onslaught of pressure from friends and family.  Pray for wisdom and discernment in how he should answer others and how to move forward.  Pray for our new brother Uhaju, who has been growing leaps and bounds in his heart and mind, but we are having trouble connecting him with our island brothers and sisters.  We need wisdom on how to do that well and to see him matched with others who want to learn and grow. Pray for the women’s gathering happening this week without one of the usual organizers— may women come and may other island women step up in discussion to make use of teachable moments.

Challenging Words

 Challenging someone can be tricky. Add a different culture and differences in status or power and it becomes quite difficult to do well, especially when preserving the relationship is a high priority.

Parents/Teachers Meeting- parent speaks

We were faced with just such a situation this week and as we were contemplating about how to proceed in respectful way and in a way where the person would actually listen, God provided an interesting window into how islanders themselves communicate challenging things. It came through a parents/teachers meeting.

I wouldn’t have known about the meeting if I hadn’t gone to the school to check about the first day of school. “There is a meeting for parents— this afternoon at 3pm!” At around 4pm I joined a crowd of parents and the meeting started. The whole meeting ended up being a long series of examples of islanders speaking challenging words.

Reading class rosters for back to school

First, it was the administrators challenging the parents— drop-off and pick-up your kids on time, make sure your kids study, make sure their school uniforms are clean, etc. The handful of points took over an hour to communicate. Second, the parents were given the floor and several parents presented their complaints or proposals for improvement—the school needs to communicate better, don’t let motorcycles in front of the school, help kids catching taxis home, show some grace to parents that are running a little late.

The whole meeting was in the local language and while I didn’t always catch all the details or understand all the jokes, I did observe and learn a number of things about how islanders framed their challenging words in order to ease their reception.

If I were to turn my observations into a how-to guide it would be this:

1. Start by thanking everyone and acknowledge specific reasons you are thankful for how they fulfill their roles well.
2. Talk about the principles behind your complaint or challenge. (Don’t go straight into dirty school uniforms—talk about the need for respect in school and the importance of the school’s image and its standing in the community. Don’t talk about the motorcycles in front of school— talk about the importance of safety and how much you love your kids and don’t want to see them hurt.)
3. Tell a story that illustrates your point or the need for change. Make it dramatic and retell the key points multiple times. (For example, the story of a kid being left with the school principal until midnight because both parents didn’t realize the other hadn’t picked her up. Emphasis on the long hours, the child’s sobbing tears and her sense of abandonment. All to support the coming point— don’t be late picking up your kids.)
4. Finally make your point or proposal. You can be direct and commanding.
5. Afterwards generically apologize in case you have ever offended anyone (this can be done at the beginning too) and/or concede some truth to the other side of the story before redoubling your own proposal, re-referencing the dramatic story and principles. (You realize it is easier to drive your motorcycle up the alley to the school entrance, but it isn’t safe for all the kids walking!)
6. Thank everyone again for the opportunity to speak and then sit down.
   

It was amazing how closely each person followed this basic pattern. The meeting was getting close to 2 hours long and parents were grumbling about going home, when the administration said they had just one more thing to say and proceeded to drop the most controversial point (and in my mind the main reason the parents meeting was called): They were increasing the school fees.

They started by again thanking everyone for coming and for caring about their kids’ education, they talked about how important education is, they told stories about how much prices are going up across the board and then they gave the new prices, they apologized and admitted it would be hard on parents but it was a necessity.

Our son made breakfast mandazis!

They did the steps for easing the news, but that didn’t stop the meeting from ending in an uproar and lots of people upset. I guess the reception of some difficult things can only be eased so much!

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Our younger son and a teammate were ill this past week with tummy troubles, but thankfully both are doing much better. Megan injured her knee hiking over the weekend, but again we are thankful for God’s protection that it wasn’t serious and she is already walking without pain and that it didn’t hurt her back! One of our colleagues needed to travel off island but hadn’t received the necessary visa in time— many prayed and she was allowed on the plane and in the country on arrival! Praise for different stories of islanders filled with excitement for reading and studying the good book.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray that we would grow in our ability to say challenging things in a way that can be heard and appreciated! The rice shortage continues— we continue to pray for relief and more shipments of rice to both come and be distributed fairly. Two of our colleagues are at a conference in mainland Africa for medical workers— may it be refreshing and encouraging to the work of the medical team here on Clove Island. Pray for Tom as he considers how to encourage island brothers towards greater growth and community. Pray the monthly women’s gathering would still happen in spite of one of the main organizers not being around. Our younger son is starting local school this week— pray that he would remember and become more comfortable in French so he can understand well and find school less stressful. Pray he would be a light to his classmates. Our daughter has a midterm break this coming weekend— we are sad that we won’t be able to be with her, but thankful that another family invited her to join them. Pray that she has a safe trip and restful break from school.