Wanting a Child

This week our teammate sent us a message with the prayer request: One of her island friends, ‘Amira’, is pregnant! Amira is childless and desperately wants a child.

An island newborn!

Lots of people all over the world can resonate with the desire for a child. We have asked for prayers on the behalf of childless islanders on numerous occasions. But even as many back home carry a weight as they try to get pregnant, on the islands we feel like wanting a child has an added weight.

We have told you before that once you have a child, your name changes. The island parents might have been named Fatima and Ahmed, but once they have their first child and name her Hadidja, they will then be called Ma Hadidja and Ba Hadidja. After a number of years, some people might even start to forget their given names. They have a new identity as parents. A childless person can be reminded of their state anytime someone calls their name.

Added to that weight is the fact that not having a child puts your marriage at serious risk. Having a child is the final validation of a marriage. I think many islanders would say that having kids is the whole point of marriage. A productive marriage is one with kids.

For the woman, not having kids means she fears that her husband will leave her. Maybe he won’t divorce her, but he could take a second wife, someone who will give him children. If he has kids with someone else, then even though she’s still married to him she will be lesser and have a smaller claim on her husband. For the husband, he may feel pressured to divorce or take a second wife, even if he doesn’t want to. His family may demand it.

They’d demand it because having kids is not only a social obligation, it is a religious obligation. Islanders believe that God demands that everyone get married and have children. Staying single and/or not having kids is not seen as an option if it is within your power to avoid it. For men, there is always the option of finding a new, young wife and trying again if your first wife didn’t provide you with children. 

So yes, being childless is a weighty problem on the islands. Our past blogs are littered with requests for islanders desperately wanting children. Even right now, I can think of several couples we know that are praying for children. There’s ‘Ndrolo & Mhodari’ who we have known for as long as we have been on Clove Island. They are educated and successful. They seem to have a happy marriage. But their lack of children looms over their heads. Ndrolo is particularly close to our teammate who has been helping them look into traveling abroad for IVF (something only possible for very rich islanders).

Most island brides/grooms hope for a baby right away

There is our good friend Ma Nadjma, who, though she has a child, hasn’t given her husband a child. He agreed to marry her and even raise her abandoned daughter as his own partially because it was assumed that she’d be able to give him children of his own (since she already had one successfully). Now after a few miscarriages, she is pregnant and very anxious to honor her husband with a child and thus secure their marriage.

There is ‘Uhaju’, who Tom has started to study with and who has encouraged his wife to study with one of our teammates. We are excited to see both a husband and wife open to studying and seeking, but this is another couple where childlessness and three miscarriages looms over their marriage.

This is truly only a small sampling.
Now back to the original request from our teammate. Some might think that Amira’s prayers have already been answered since she is now pregnant. But Amira is unique in that this is her 8th pregnancy and she is still childless. She has had seven miscarriages (more than one happening late into the second trimester). So the news of this pregnancy, while exciting, is still tinged with lots of fear. What will make this pregnancy any different than the other seven? We’re not sure, but one unique thing is that Amira knows that people are praying for her. While she does not share our beliefs, she knows that we say our prayers differently. Our teammate has shared about the power of the name in which we pray…

Kids are a blessing!

We pray for all these islanders seeking children because we know that having a child will change their lives in many ways, but we hope that when children do come that they would be able to see the Savior who has provided for them and that it would open the doors to even greater changes in their hearts and lives.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We had three more weddings this past week— may our presence at these weddings deepen our relationships with islanders and allow so to speak into lives in the future. Tom finished his teacher training on the other side of the islands which had filled his Sundays this past month— we’re glad they are done and we are thankful that it worked out for him to go to the final training and also attend a wedding the same day (thankful for teammates who helped to make that possible). A group of us went with island brothers and sisters to give our condolences to our grieving island brother— it went well and seemed appreciated. Our island sister Elewa experienced a sudden, strange illness and asked our teammate to come and pray— when she laid on hands and prayed Elewa felt clear relief. We heard news that a new woman is planning on coming and join the work on the islands— still not sure whether she will be on the big island or our team, but we rejoice in more workers!

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Please pray for Amira and these others. Pray for successful pregnancies that result in healthy babies. Pray that they might recognize these children as gifts and that their hearts would be open to good news.  Both of Tom’s weekly studying times with islanders were canceled last week— pray that those studying times would happen this week. We have two administrators for our organization coming from the African mainland to visit the islands— pray for the complicated logistics of visiting all three islands, for a good visit from them and that they gain good insight into the work of the islands. Women should have their monthly big-group gathering on Wednesday— pray that some of the infrequent attendees would come. There is a plan in the works to gather as a big group on Sunday— we haven’t met all together with islanders in awhile, pray that it could be an encouraging time of fellowship and increase a sense of family among island brothers and sisters. 

On the Back of a Motorcycle

About a year or two ago, under the well-trained eyes of Chinese engineers, a road was completed on Clove Island.  The road climbs over a pass and down into the central valley called the “bowl” and then out over a second pass before winding its way down to the southern end of the island and the sea.  It essentially cuts the island in half, and is a marvel of Chinese engineering.  

New road

The road is steep and winding, but it is well built  and will hopefully hold up over time (though that is still to be seen).  As it slices and winds its way through the mountains, the majesty and beauty of jungle cliffs and forests surround you in their powerful ascents and cloud catching wonder.  It is simply breathtaking. 

For the past few weeks, I’ve had the joy of experiencing these views from possibly the very best place to enjoy them—the back of a motorcycle.  Although Megan has her motorcycle license, I, Tom, have never learned (although I’m starting to think I should).  So when I agreed to do a teacher training on the south-side of the island, the cheapest and easiest solution to get me there was to put  me on the back of a motorcycle.  It may not be the most comfortable place to sit for an hour and a half, and there are always safety concerns with a motorcycle (don’t worry, the driver is cautious, and I had a helmet). But there is nothing to rival the freedom from concern for the road (I’m not driving) and unhindered view like the back of a motorbike.  I’ve never experienced anything quite like it and it was splendid.

Ready to ride

More than once on this drive, I have been so struck by the beauty of these mountains I’ve felt like singing, praying and giving thanks to God for creating such wonders and allowing me to see it.  But there is, as so often is the way in this world, a darker side to this beautiful road.  The road cuts through the center of the island—through places that were once a long, hard walk on steep trails.  Now cars, vans and motorcycles can easily reach these remote, previously untouched places and the results have quickly become apparent. 

New farmland

One of the realities of life on Clove Island is that despite being a remote, tropical island there is almost no solitude.  Everywhere you go there are people.  People need food, so they grow on every available inch of land even at tremendously steep grades.  People need firewood for cooking fires, so they harvest wood wherever they can.  The weekends are the times when most people go to the fields, and my trainings in the south of the island have all been on Sunday afternoon, so from the back of the motorcycle I see them working the fields, harvesting crops, carrying firewood.  Men, women, children, working hard, resting by the road with a heavy load waiting for pick up.  I see the vans topped with firewood and fodder.  I see farmers loading up the backs of their motorcycles with huge loads and my heart breaks.  I cannot blame them.  They are feeding their families.  What choice do they have?  But I see the cleared hills that I know were once forest.  I see the hills too steep to climb being tilled and planted, and I wonder where it will all end and what can be done about it.

Why do so many things in this world have to come with a dark side?  Why can’t a road just be a good thing?  Why does exploration always seem to be followed by exploitation?  Why does tilling a field and feeding a family, have to come at the cost of something else?  It is the way of this broken world.  But on the back of a motorcycle, I can look at the clouds drifting over the mountain tops, hiding their peaks and then revealing them like some sublime game of hide and seek, and I’m reminded that there is something bigger at work; that brokenness can be healed; that it will not always be a zero-sum game; that there is still hope.   
 
PRAYERS ANSWERED
The busy wedding week went well— our teammates spent a lot of time helping with wedding prep and were able to be a good support to the bride. Tom’s training class has gone well in spite of the long motorcycle ride to get there each week.  A local brother’s wife (who has long been isolated from the local body) attended a recent meeting about childrearing— we hope this is just the beginning of her being more connected.


PRAYERS REQUESTED
Our medical teammates have finished the first two weeks shadowing at the hospital and so far have had the energy they’ve needed, but please keep praying for them. Pray especially for our one teammate who has been struggling with insomnia linked to her long COVID. One island brother lost his mother and a contingent will be visiting his family this week to give our condolences— pray that the visit could be a comfort to him.  Continue to pray for the men Tom is meeting with each week, that they would come and that the time together would be fruitful. A number of teammates had opportunities to pray with and for island friends.  May we see answered prayers and open hearts.

Losing Culture

They look like island kids. They play in the courtyard with all their cousins. They laugh and push. Their mother is there with their aunts and grandmother chattering away in the island language. She leaves for weddings and events in her traditional island finery like other mothers. But these kids are still different.

Saying goodbyes, heading back for France today

First you might notice that all of their clothes are a slightly higher quality and you’ve never seen those brand of shoes on the island before. But the most obvious clue is language. They are always speaking French! They stumble over the traditional island greetings and look to their mom or aunt when islanders address them, silently asking with their confused expressions for the French translation of whatever was just said to them.

They are our landlady’s two sons have been living downstairs for the past month. I’ve sat down with them while their aunts tell their cousins to speak to them in the local language. Even I have taken my turn in quizzing them, trying to expand their vocabulary and their ability to say the culturally appropriate things. But they are young boys and would rather rattle away in French. Their mom has been making an effort to do a bunch of ceremonies and events for them that would have been spread out over their childhood. There were some special prayers done that should have been connected to their birth and another one for their circumcision. You got the feeling that she was trying to maintain her status of “good island mother” by checking off all boxes of undone things. But she was born and raised here, so even if she has spent most of her adult years in France she knows how to navigate the culture and its expectations. But her sons…??

They are islanders by heritage but raised in France. Kids like them may have island passports, but many parents don’t bother since French nationality is more useful. Depending on their parents, they may speak some of the island language. They may have been exposed to island culture and customs to some extent. Some of these French islanders make a point of coming back to the islands every year or two, but a lot can’t afford that, so their children may only experience the islands a couple times growing up.

Tom was recently at a wedding where the groom was a young man who lives in France. When it was time for the groom to give his speech, he apologized but said he couldn’t give it in the local language and proceeded to give it in French instead. Afterwards his father felt the need to reassure the audience that his son “was not lost”, even though he couldn’t speak the island language well.

French-raised groom makes his entrance

But there is that feeling that they are being lost… that the islands have lost their claim on them. So much of culture is wrapped into language. These islanders raised abroad are losing touch not only with language, but with what it means to be an islander. They not only can’t share the experience of living and struggling on the islands, but they can’t even talk to their grandparents in a meaningful way.

Most islanders would love to go abroad. They want their children to study in France, find jobs there and eventually get French nationality. It means opportunity and can raise the fortunes of the whole family. But islanders don’t want to lose their children and grandchildren to lose their island identity. There is always a feeling of judgment and disappointment when they talk about island children raised in France who don’t speak the language and/or haven’t visited often.  

Growing up in America, we can relate, in part, to these kids.  Our heritage is not native to American soil.  It was our great-grandparents, or farther back who came to America, speaking a different language, with a different culture and different values.  But after a few generations, most of that has been lost.  Both Tom & I have little connection to the other countries our predecessors came from.  It is part of our heritage, but a small part of our identity.  What did previous generations give up in becoming Americans?  What did we lose in the process? 

Married 18 years!

In a couple days, our landlady’s sons will be back on French soil. They will probably always remember this summer vacation that they spent on the islands. It will be part of their heritage, but will it be part of their identity?  Will they think of themselves as Islanders or French?  What will be gained and what will be lost?  And who is to judge what is best?

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We were able to have a video chat with the family preparing to come to the islands. It is encouraging to see God provide for their needs! Today is our 18th wedding anniversary! We thank God for the years that He has given us and all the rich blessings they have included. Friends from the big island have been visiting— it has been nice to reconnect with them and for our kids to play together. Tom’s weekly studies with two men have been going well, strengthened by their meeting weekly with one of our teammates.  One of their wives has started connecting with that same teammate. Our sons are almost done with their end-of-the-year exams at the local school. We’re honestly not sure if our youngest will pass (his French is improving but still not really there yet), but we are thankful that they haven’t seemed too stressed about it. 


PRAYERS REQUESTED
We just got word this morning that Megan’s uncle in CA died. This was unexpected news. Please be praying for Megan and her family, especially Megan’s cousins and for her aunt with Alzheimers for whom her uncle had been the primary care-giver. He was a good man and will be missed. Our two medical teammates have begun their hospital internships— continue to pray for the energy levels and for good interactions with the other medical staff as well as patients. There is a woman from the US considering joining the work on the islands. She hopes to make a decision by the end of the month— pray for clear guidance for her. Tom was able to join a group of island brothers to pray for an island woman who has had significant difficulties— pray that their prayers would have a profound impact on her and her family.  This coming week is a busy one for many of our teammates as they help with multi-day weddings of close friends. Pray that the time spent would help deepen relationships and that they would have opportunities to spread love and light to these island families.

Representatives

We had spent a few hours hanging out by the beach, watching the English students play silly games, dance, sing and laugh.  Our kids, two teammates and I were the only foreigners and generally were just observers of the action.

English Barbecue (sans Tom)

 Tom wasn’t there, being busy on the other side of the island doing a teacher training course. Tom was the one that really knew these students and administrators.  Our friend Moro had originally asked Tom to come to this barbecue celebrating his center’s English program, but Tom couldn’t make it. Moro’s disappointment had been obvious when Tom told him the news, but then Tom let Moro know that the five of us would be able to go. Suddenly the disappointment was gone.

As we said goodbye, Moro came to us and said, “It was like Tom was here with us!” with a large and genuine smile on his face. I was surprised. I would have anticipated him expressing sadness at Tom’s absence even as he would have undoubtedly thanked us for coming. Instead he seemed to recognize us as having fully represented Tom at the event— no sadness at all.  

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Preparing for beach races at barbecue

Our friend ‘Sterehi’ always thinks big. One time he sent invitations to all the big government offices asking the biggest officials to come to his professional center’s graduation ceremony. Obviously the governor of the whole island was not going to come to something like this, but Sterehi was super excited that some underling (something like the assistant to the undersecretary of the governor) was sent to represent the governor’s office. The underling dutifully gave a speech and received accolades in the governor’s name. We thought it was a little awkward, but Sterehi was very pleased.

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At women’s events, women often represent their husbands and bring with them the honor and prestige that their husbands have. At the last wedding event I attended, both ‘Madame Directeur’ or ‘Madame Mayor’ were pointed out and recognized in speeches.  In the same way, I am often called Madame Tom, or sometimes even “Madame Mr. Teacher Tom”, by the people who know and respect Tom. Once, Tom’s students invited me to a women’s event (since Tom obviously couldn’t attend). I sat to the side not knowing many people, and was surprised when they called for ‘Madame Tom’ to make a speech about one of his students (as Tom’s representative) even though I didn’t know the student at all.

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Perhaps the most bizarre form of representation that I have heard about on the islands is during wedding ceremonies. The groom doesn’t have to be there! Sometimes he isn’t able to come (usually because he is out of the country) and so he will be represented by a brother or other male relative. Yes, the groom can have a stand-in for the wedding ceremonies! And while it is not seen as the ideal, islanders don’t see a problem with this.

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Maybe this level of using representatives surprises us because we come from more individualistic cultures, where we want to only represent ourselves. While islanders view things more communally and are happy with individuals of the same group, representing each other.  But in other ways we have fully embraced the idea of being ambassadors or representatives here! We hope that we are representatives of more than just our families or our NGO. Islanders often want to paint us as ‘Americans’ but we resist being seen as representatives of our nationality (our group members are from several countries after all). Let the PeaceCorps represent Americans, we want to be representatives of something bigger than that— of a kingdom that includes every language, tongue and people, and of a King that laid down his life for us. We hope that when it is our time to leave the islands that islanders could say of us, “Having you here was like He was here with us!”

Blowing out his 9 candles!

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Our youngest son is 9 years old today! We thank God for his life, his smiles, his big hugs, his imaginative stories full of sound-effects and for all the ways he is growing and learning. We are thankful for the chance to celebrate with him this past weekend. The island sisters had another gathering this past Wednesday. One of the usual organizers was busy with sick kids and so we were encouraged when other sisters stepped up to make the meeting happen! We haven’t seen that level of ownership from some of them before, so we are encouraged. We were able to video-chat with a short-termer coming out in a couple months— we pray that the logistics of her coming would come together.  We are thankful for the way that it seems like everyone on our team is getting opportunities to share good news and to pray for friends in need lately.  

PRAYERS REQUESTED
One island brother feels that God has told him that something big is going to happen soon. Pray that all of us would be prepared for whatever God has in mind. We are meant to have a conversation with a family that is raising funds to join us on the islands— pray for good communication as expectations are set and for continued provision for them. Our sons are beginning their end-of-the-year exams at local island school. Pray that they would not be stressed about them but that they would be able to do their best and pass on to the next class. Our unit leader’s surgery went well, but the recovery is slower than she hoped. Prayed for good rest and complete recovery. Our medical teammates are beginning their internship today— pray that they would have the energy (both have histories with chronic fatigue), learn a lot and be building good relationships.

Showing Off

It is a little surreal to be in your old home as a guest. Everything is so familiar and yet you are just one in a crowd, waiting to be invited in and told where to sit.

New paint, new furniture, new TV on wall

Twice in the past few weeks we attended weddings in our former homes. We had rented and lived in each house for around 4 years respectively, so we knew every nook and cranny, every sticking door and finicky light switch. But coming into them now, we had to work hard to recognize them. Paint and furniture were new. New doors. New light fixtures. New decorations. One had a new TV mounted to the wall with the stickers and plastic still on it (proving that it was indeed brand-new). In the other, they had rebuilt the entire front entrance, had put wood paneling on the entire ceiling with recessed track lighting, and added a new backyard patio.

So much time and money to try to make them look as new, fancy, and beautiful as possible.

Now you might think that this is a great gift to the newly married couples— a nice home for them to settle down into, but here is the thing…in both cases, no one is planning on living in these houses. Having a wedding means having events at your home means needing a newly fixed up house. The brides and grooms in these cases don’t even live on Clove Island.  They will travel back to their actual homes in a few weeks and may not be back for years. All the money poured into these homes was for the sake of the wedding, so that everyone attending the weddings could see and notice how much money they had spent.

Check out the fancy new ceiling!

So basically— it is showing off. People are displaying their wealth. While “showing off” has a negative connotation in our minds, on the islands it is expected and even applauded. This is how a family bestows honor on the child that they are marrying off and gains honor in their community. If the family doesn’t spend enough in the eyes of the community, then there will be whispering. Perhaps they will be considered cheapskates or people will think that they don’t really love their daughter very much or that they are actually much poorer than they let on. Any of these scenarios would be disastrous—completely shameful.  People go to great lengths to avoid this shame.  Rich islanders who live abroad often import everything (furniture, decorations, presents), making their wedding almost foreign.  While this kind of showing off seems over the top, it is considered honorable, even expected. As long as the family is seen as generous to the community, then the extravagance isn’t resented.

Of course, not everyone has this kind of money, and there is a difference between poor and rich weddings. At the weddings of poorer islanders, you get the sense of them stretching to reach the minimum required by society for a wedding. The house has a new coat of paint, but perhaps not much else. There is new upholstery on the cushions but the sofa itself may be old. There are gift bags handed out to guests but they may contain the bare minimum number of gifts needed to be seen as acceptable.  They may be going into debt to achieve even this meager display.  Even what they are doing may be much more than their family budget can handle, but the alternative is unthinkable.  A wedding is meant to bring honor—not shame—and honor is expensive.

Bride and groom on their fancy imported thrones

Island culture cares a lot about honor and shame.  Wealth is a source of honor, and a wedding is one of the prime ways to flaunt it.  Moreover, weddings are a huge chance to gain honor.  It may seem strange that islanders are willing to go into debt and call in all kinds of favors to make sure that they put their best foot forward for weddings.  It may seem surprising that we were forced to move from the previous home we were renting because of a wedding, but islanders weren’t surprised.  A big wedding brings great honor and a chance like that is priceless!

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Our leader’s surgery was today and we’ve had word that it went well. Tom’s new plan for engaging the island brother that he is studying with went well. Our short-termer made it back safely to the US. The baby born last week is doing well and the delivery was smooth— the mother has been having some abdominal pain, so continue praying for her. Tom’s first trip to the other side of the island for teacher training went well. His study with the two men continues to go well. Our teammate made it back safely from the UK.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray for our newly returned teammate— she still suffers from long-COVID systems. Pray for healing and energy! Our two medical teammates are meant to start an internship this week as an introduction to the medical system on Clove Island. It looks like it might not officially start until next week, but pray for their meetings this week that they would make good connections with their fellow medical workers. One of the men that Tom is studying with has agreed for our teammate to pray for his wife who has suffered three miscarriages. They believe the miscarriages are caused by a curse someone placed on her. Pray for our teammate as she prays for healing and a child for this couple. Pray that our unit leader will recover quickly from her surgery. We have a few short-term and long-term possibilities in the pipeline, pray for wisdom and discernment as to who should join our work here.