Ma Riziki & Me

Ma Riziki & Me- dressed for wedding

“So, who’s getting married?” I ask as we walk along the road together. We’re already dressed for the wedding in matching outfits, but I have no idea who is getting married or even where the wedding is going happen. But I’m not really going for the bride or groom, I’m there for Ma Riziki.

Ma Riziki doesn’t get much honor in a country where honor is of great importance. She’s poor in a world that honors wealth. She’s skinny, almost gaunt in a place that honors people who are plump. She’s illiterate in a town that honors education. The only jobs she has ever done are menial type work, cooking and cleaning at the parties of the rich.  She’s a great-grandmother and in most families this would accord some honor, but her family is a messy array of humanity where squabbling and manipulation seem the order of the day over loving and honoring one another. Twelve kids, countless grandkids and at least two great-grandkids that I know about. Most living on top of each other in a precarious two story structure. Her youngest kids are teenagers and theoretically she should have lots of help at home. But no one seems to help her and instead of relieving her workload her kids burden her  by leaving grandkids with her to care for.  Most of the children in this large family are not looked after. It’s almost like there are just too many of them to keep track of and no one is really trying. She’s the matriarch of a messy family that isn’t well respected.

It might be possible for her to have some more honor and respect in her community except that she usually doesn’t try. She often does not follow the social and religious norms that most islanders  hold dear. It’s like she is constantly in survival mode, tending to crises, figuring out the food and money needed for the day. Often cultural niceties don’t make the list.

Ma Riziki with some of her grandkids

When we first came to Clove Island, Ma Riziki sought me out right away. She lived just across the street and seemed to want to claim me before any of the other close neighbors could. Since that time she has come to us for many things. We’ve helped with food when they are hungry and have nothing to cook. Ma Riziki usually has a worn-out and tired look when she asks for food. It’s a source of shame. But we’ve helped in other ways too— with medicine when people have fevers or toothaches or headaches, with bandages when there are wounds, with help into an English class when one studious daughter wants to learn, with taking photos when there is a special occasion and finally by attending events.

From the beginning, Ma Riziki has been interested in me joining her “shama” (a group of people that help each other when they have weddings and other celebrations). The idea is that you pay in every time there is an event (with money and/or labor) knowing that when it is your turn to have an event everyone will reciprocate and help you make it happen. Now I’ve never been interested in joining a shama because most likely I would be always be paying in and never receiving, plus we’re invited to so many events as it is— we don’t need to add random shama events to our schedule.

At some point I stopped fighting it. Now I’m not a very good shama member and I was puzzled why Ma Riziki wanted it so badly. But eventually I came to the uncomfortable realization that I brought her honor. I receive honor in this society merely with my skin color and my foreign passport. I’m an honored person here and so any association with me brings her honor. Anytime I attend an event with her it raises her before her friends. I may not be comfortable with my mere presence being an act of honor, but would I deny her that honor? Giving her food helps her but it is a source of shame. Going with her to wedding as her friend, that is a source of honor. So I go along.

So I went with Ma Riziki to yet another wedding.  I didn’t know the bride, I didn’t know the groom. I didn’t even really understand how Ma Riziki was connected. But that wasn’t really the point. I was there for Ma Riziki.  Some people at the event had fancy jewels, some had outfits made of expensive material, others had the latest smartphones or cameras. Ma Riziki had me.

Our kids

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Our son’s scrapes have healed better and quicker than expected. Our family got to take a hike and swim this past weekend— the first outing we’ve managed in a long time. It was a nice few hours to get away as just our family.  An island sister had a great chance to share important stories at a wedding with a bunch of other women— they wanted to hear more.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
One of our island friend’s wife is ill and may need to travel to get the care she needs (this is a pretty common occurrence on the islands with the lack of medical care). Pray for him that he would have wisdom and peace as he considers how to proceed.  Our teammate is supposed to arrive back on Clove Island tomorrow afternoon.  Pray for her final leg of travel and for a quick transition back into the island time zone and life. Our pregnant friend is already dilated. She seems a little nervous (since it is her first), pray for a smooth labor and delivery and for health and safety for both her and the baby.

It’s Never Exactly What You Expect

Waiting at stadium for things to start

Our friend was about to leave when she mentioned, “This afternoon is a fête for kids up at the stadium.” She was speaking the local language but she used the French word fête (even though she’s not a French speaker). In French we might expect a party of some kind, but the way islanders use it can be different. After a couple more questions, it seemed that it would be more of a performance. Apparently some foreigners had been involved in organizing it, the kids had practiced throughout the month of fasting and they would be doing a dance. We knew three girls who were going to perform. “It’s at two o’clock for the kids and then adults will do something at three o’clock.” We told her we’d try to make it.

Now we knew enough to take 2 o’clock with a grain of salt. It is the islands after all. But with foreigners involved, you never know it might be more punctual. We didn’t want to miss the kids dancing. So around 2:15 we leisurely left the house, arriving at the stadium about 2:30.

Procession of everyone onto the field

This was the first time that we’ve been to the stadium as a family. It was built by a foreign country as a gift to the island a number of years ago. Except for the plastic seats directly in the sun (everyone here knows plastic degrades quickly in the sun), the rest of the stadium has held up well. It is much nicer than the other sporting venues on the island and the covered seats have a great view of the green island hills.

As soon as we pulled up to the stadium, we knew we were way early. Some of the performers were getting ready but the spectators were few. Still they let us in and we found seats.

Fast forward two hours. Yes, TWO HOURS. Nothing had really started. We hadn’t come prepared with snacks or books, so our kids were bored and antsy. For the last hour a group of adults had been doing a slow monotonous militaristic dance-march, apparently to kill time while the crowd waited for some honored guests to arrive. It wasn’t very entertaining.

Just after 4:30pm, things started going. But not in the way we hoped. Instead of the kids coming, dancing and us making our exit. There was a large procession of various groups into the stadium and onto the field. The honored guests in the stands with us included the country president, vice president and two former presidents! Not to mention the current island governor and former governor. For island bigwigs you don’t get any bigger than that! It turned out that this was no kids dance performance, this was the opening ceremony for the annual inter-island sports competition!

Getting ready to dance

Of course, everyone had to give speeches, long, flowery speeches, sometimes in more than one language—after all, this is Africa.   We sang the national anthem at two different points (that might have been a mistake). Finally most of the groups on the field processed out, leaving the kids to dance. The kids danced for about 15 minutes before they left the field. There were various adult music groups left to perform, but we made our way out. It was after 5:30, the sun was going down and we had other things to do.

It wasn’t what we expected, but on the islands it is often better to curb expectations completely.  If you’re wondering how the sports competition is going, we couldn’t tell you.  We haven’t heard one bit of information about it.  Not what you’d expect?  Welcome to the islands…

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We had several different wedding events this past week. We’re thankful that they went well and that that we had the chance to attend. We’re feeling better now. After a few painful days, Megan’s back seems to be doing better again. We were able to give our pregnant friend a gift of some things for the baby— she seemed encouraged. Things continue to progress to have two more ladies join our team in November— we’re excited to see our team grow.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Tom had the chance to share more fully with someone who he’s studied with before— pray for an open heart and mind as he thinks about the things they discussed. We’ve had a chance to give away some good books and movies, pray that they would be watched/read and passed along by many islanders. Our youngest had a fall and has a big scrape across his face, pray that it heals quickly. We’ve noticed that our kids have a couple cavities but island dentists only seem to pull teeth. Pray that we’d have wisdom about how, when and where to get dental care.

Showing Honor Amidst Schedule Conflicts

Us with groom before men left

“Summer vacation” is a busy time on the islands. It is actually the cold time of year, but it is the time when islanders come from abroad. A time without school. It is the time for weddings!  Lots of weddings.  Island society idolizes weddings.  Lots of money and effort go into throwing them.  There are literally wedding ceremonies every day of the week with multiple weddings often going on the same day around town.

Honor is a big component of weddings. The bride and groom are being honored by their families. The two families honor each other with gifts and extravagance. Special wedding guests are honored with special attention, flower garlands, and seats of honor up-front and center.

Men proceed to ceremony

As foreigners we are often sought-after guests at weddings. We get lots of invitations, sometimes from strangers who don’t even know our names. We don’t go to all weddings, but we always try to go when we have a personal connection, though it is rare that we are actually friends with the bride or groom.

This past week was different. An old friend (we hadn’t seen in months) had come during the month of fasting with his fiancée to tell us that he would be getting married during summer vacation and that he would be so honored to have us at the wedding. The problem was, he didn’t know when it would be. The date hadn’t been set.  So last week, he came back at night with his fiancée again to say the wedding would be on Friday, in just a few days! I looked at my schedule and groaned—the wedding was at nearly the same time as the exam for my teachers—the culmination of over a month of training. I am the only instructor. The exam had been scheduled for weeks. It could not be rescheduled and I could not miss it.

I tried to make my apologies and explain how this exam was simply something I could not bow out of and that I would not be able to attend the wedding. But he was quite persistent that I could at least come for part of it.  Obviously it was a big deal for him that we come to his wedding.  So I agreed to come to as much of it as I could and then go to the exam from there.  It seemed like a decent compromise.  It meant I would be dressed in my traditional wedding clothes for the exam—but that’s not such a big deal.

The drum section for the ceremony

But there was another problem that niggled at the back of my mind though I tried my best to ignore it.  You see, where as my classes start on time (and this is a habit we try to model and encourage in our teachers), weddings are not always punctual.  So it came to pass that we arrived at the groom’s house only to find that the wedding was far from getting started.  We got some nice pictures of the groom being dressed for the event and then with us.  Then after a long wait, the procession of men finally left the groom’s house walking down the street with singing and booming drums headed to the ceremony location.  I followed with my two sons (the men celebrate separately from the women) noticing on my watch that my time was nearly up and that I would have to leave for my exam very soon.   So, thinking I knew the culture well, I carefully held back and did not make my way into the ceremony.  But I was dragged in anyways. So I sat in a chair on the edge of the ceremony.  But here I found the groom had other plans.  He wanted me near the front with him.  I explained to his groomsmen I could not.  I was leaving in 5 minutes.  Still they pressed me until I could not refuse and found myself seated directly next to the groom facing the other guests—a seat of honor saved for truly honorable guests—a seat saved for me.  An agonizing 5 minutes passed.  As I knew that I must leave but hated to do so—hated to think what I may have be doing to the groom’s honor.  Hating to think what all the people sitting there facing me might think.  But I felt I must go, so with a heavy heart, I rose and offered my sincere apologies to the groom and left.  On my way out, almost to increase my shame they threw a garland around my neck—one I felt I did not deserve—I had not stayed, but to refuse it would be even worse.

I was in danger of being late for the exam, so I couldn’t find Megan (who was far away with the women) to leave the boys with her. So with two sons in tow, I found a taxi to my exam.

The exams went well despite my traditional garb and two little boys playing outside, but part of me still felt terrible for leaving the wedding.  That night I got a phone call from the groom.  He assured me that he was honored to have me at the wedding even if only for a little while and he wouldn’t have had it another way.  I thanked him for honoring me by inviting me, hung up the phone and went to bed wondering if I had made the right decision.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Our teammate made it safely to the States. We continue to pray that she has a wonderful time with family. The water to our house has been really bad lately, but every time we run low and pray, it comes on so that we can fill our barrels. A student came from the village this weekend and stayed with us as we met on Sunday morning, asking good questions and hearing a lot.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Continue to pray for our pregnant friend who we wrote about last week. Her husband left with all of his things. Pray that she would find encouragement and feel loved as she goes into the final weeks of her pregnancy. Pray for Megan’s back during wedding season—attending wedding ceremonies are hard on the back and her back is already seeming more tender. Pray for our health, we’re all coming down with scratchy throats and feeling tired. More weddings coming up this week!

The Hope of Marriage

Our daughter with neighbor couple and baby

“How was your holiday?” I asked our good friend. She's in her first year of marriage and over 8 months pregnant.

“It didn’t go well,” she replied. This was an invitation to talk. People usually just say “it went well” even if it didn’t. She obviously wanted to tell me about her troubles.

Her husband didn’t get her anything for the holiday. This might not seem like a big deal, except that island husbands are almost required to get their wives something for the holiday. Then came the rest. He didn’t really want to marry her. It had been arranged by their mothers. She was getting up there in years (in her twenties) and his mother wanted the marriage. They didn’t even know each other. She didn’t know that her husband was going into it begrudgingly. But here she is about to have a baby. She should be happy, she should be loved and cherished. Instead she’s miserable. He hasn’t given her any money to buy things for the baby. He waited more than a month to give her the funds for the ultrasound she needed. He has more than one job, he shouldn’t be strapped for cash. He also gives her no affection and almost no attention. She tried to talk to his family to be intermediaries, but they are too embarrassed by his behavior to come and listen to her. She is not sure what to do, but she’s considering telling him to leave if it doesn’t change. She muses that maybe she could start again and find someone better.

Last week two more young women disgruntled with marriage were in our house. Both are young (early twenties) but divorced. They talked about families not wanting them to marry their sons because their skin was too dark or because their families are too poor or because they’ve already been married.

Kids putting on a play

Then there have been other recent conversations about marriage on the islands— about how everyone expects their spouses to be unfaithful, about how almost all island marriages start with the pronounced “blessing” that the marriage “would start well and end well”. Apparently the speeches at weddings often include instructions about how to divorce peaceably. But ultimately marriage is more about status and economic security than about relationship. All islanders see marriage as important. It is actually considered a religious requirement that everyone marry and have children if they are able.

Polygamy is also another complicating factor on the islands, a destructive factor. It is within their religious and societal rights here to have more than one wife. Polygamy means a man isn’t necessarily 'cheating' on his wife, he may simply be looking for his next wife.  All of this erodes trust dramatically so that even the man who might try to be faithful (although he has little incentive to do so) will be always suspect.  And where there is no trust, there is little love.

So lately we've been thinking about marriage, in particular island marriage and whether it could be a bridge to deeper truth especially when talking to women. 

Island women generally have low expectations of marriage--extremely low by our standards. At most they hope that their husband won’t take a second wife and that he will provide for her and the children. The ideas of love, partnership and friendship in marriage are not usual expectations. But still they hope that their marriage might be different.  They expect almost nothing, but if they could find it--yes they would love a marriage built on love, respect, and faithfulness.  They would love a spouse who truly cares for them, sacrifices for them, and gives their all to love them.  Everyone seems to agree on this.

Almost all women can complain about marriages here. So as we look for ways to engage women in deeper conversations, could this longing for a good and faithful marriage be a bridge for talking about eternal things. We want to think about this in the coming months and would welcome your thoughts as well. Perhaps the story of a bridegroom that would lay down his life to redeem and marry his bride would touch hearts here?

Celebrating teammate's birthday

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Our teammates burns have been healing well. Thanks for praying. Our colleague was with us for several days. His travels were fine and he was able to get people started on the project that they will hopefully be able to continue and finish even now that he has left. We’re excited to have the final product in coming months. We’ve started doing some lessons with our kids in both the local language and in French to encourage their language learning— so far the kids have been very receptive.



PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray for our pregnant friend and her disengaged husband. Pray for the growth of real communication, understanding and affection. Pray for her as she is more emotional at this time and it is hard to feel unloved and uncared for when she is about to have a baby. One of our teammates is on her way to the States for some vacation— she’s already made it to mainland Africa. Pray for safe travels and that the vacation (despite long travel, jetlag and lots of people to see) will be encouraging and rejuvenating for her. Pray also for her housemate as she is alone for the next few weeks. Pray for us as we go into wedding season and have lots of opportunities to attend and talk about weddings and marriage. May we be lights.