Dreams of a Kid-free Morning

Entertaining with a curtain

We love our kids very much and we love spending time with them. We love that our life on the islands means we see our kids a lot. But it is still nice to have some kid-free time once and awhile. 

We had just had three solid weeks without a single kid-less moment. There had been two weeks where the kids were off from local school and then one week where the kids were on opposing schedules**, so someone was always home. Now all three kids finally had school in the morning. Four kidless hours were all ours. We didn’t have big plans, but we were looking forward to having some quiet, getting some work done and maybe running an errand or two.

I was just finishing my time of prayer and study, when the woman who helps with some of our housework came up the stairs. It was normal for her to come on Monday morning, but this morning she had her 10 month old baby and her 2 year old cousin in tow. She sat down to tell me her story. Her aunt was in labor and was having a hard time of it. They had gone to the hospital but the docs there wanted to do a c-section, so they left and found a clinic in another town. Her mom was gone helping her aunt, so there was no one at home to watch the little ones.

Two year old with her chair & ball

I thought I understood the point of the story, so I told her, “No problem. You don’t need to work here today. You have to watch the little ones.” But she shook her head, “No, I want to work. I’ll do the laundry and the kids will stay here.”

Ahh… so the point of the story was not explaining why she couldn’t work. It was explaining why we needed to babysit while she worked. I don’t think many people in the US would bring their kids to their workplace and then expect their employer to watch them, but there we were. So much for our kidless morning.

She made it sound like the kids would just watch themselves. But they are 10 months old and 2 years— that wasn’t going to happen. Time to reformulate my morning plans. I quickly tried to baby-proof any major hazards, got out some baby-appropriate toys. The kids were pretty easy to please.  After awhile, the two-year old found a little chair and a ball and just sat there hugging the ball to her chest. Soon I saw her eyes drooping— her mom’s labor excitement meant she had been up early. Then the baby starting rubbing her eyes and fussing. Her whines brought her mom away from her work outside where she was hand-washing clothes. And before long both little ones were settled down and resting.

Naptime

Then we had some time of quiet. We got some work done and even ran a couple errands. So ultimately we got what we had been hoping from the morning. We might have looked forward to a kidless morning, but life rarely goes to plan here on the islands.  Just because things don’t follow our plans, doesn’t make them bad.  It may not have been the kidless morning we expected, but it also wasn’t a bad morning, at the very least the kids were super cute…

PRAYERS ANSWERED
The consultant checking for the language project finished! They were able to do even more than they hoped. We are thankful that we got to connect with one of our colleagues from the small island as he passed through this past week. We are thankful for our team and how well they have all gotten along and how they have worked to care and support each other in tough times. Our very good friend Ma Imani has been on the big island for the past several months due to illness- we just got word that suggests that her medical problems are not as serious as feared. We hope she can return to Clove Island soon.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
There have been encouraging signs on the smallest island that they will be able to get their needed visa from the local government there, but it needs to be signed this week- pray that is actually happens. The big island is doing their annual English Conference this coming week. We have three teammates traveling to attend. Our two newest teammates are celebrating their birthdays this week— pray that they will be encouraged and well-loved during this their first birthday away from home.  The former worker we mentioned last week has made it to the islands and is reconnecting with old friends. Pray that his visit would be used to both encourage and challenge. Our teammates have had a hard time meeting to study with the ladies— one is still very interested, the other has been strangely absent— pray for wisdom about how to proceed. A island sister is feeling pressure from family to not meet and study with others— pray for wisdom and strength for her and for the softening of hearts in her family. Megan has been dealing with some back pain (aggravating the old problem spot) and some new kind of headache. Pray for healing and relief.


**On the islands, preschool and kindergarten is always in the morning, but elementary school has an alternating schedule. There are two groups of kids and one week half will go to school in the morning and half go in the afternoon. Then the next week they switch and the other group goes in the morning. For our kids it means that one week, all three go to school in the morning and the next week one (our kindergartener) goes in the morning and the other two go in the afternoon. When not in local school, we do homeschool!

Pursuing New Interests

Tom & boys at match

One of the great things about working on the islands is the ability to put into practice the ideas we read in books.  When we went to school for further studies we read many, many great books, but so much of it remained in the theoretical.  It’s easy enough to see the wisdom and logic of an idea, but is it practical? Is it realistic?  Does it work?  You can’t know these things until you have a chance to put them into practice.

This week we were reading as a team about the importance of being an accepted and valued member of your society.  To do this takes a great deal of time and effort and it starts—not surprisingly—with language.  But it doesn’t end there.  There are other aspects like, how we dress, what we do for work, how we show hospitality, that all play a vital role in making us members of our adopted society.  Another thing that might seem obvious, but is an important part of this integration is friendship.  Friendship may look different in our adopted community, but it is still a vital part of integration.  And yet, it is not always easy.  Sometimes the distances between culture, religion, education, and experience are so great, it’s difficult to find common ground.  The simple question, “What can we talk about?” Becomes a major hurdle.

The match

This is where our reading this week gave us a good reminder: “If you want to find something to talk about you may need to become interested in what interests your friends.”  In other words, “Expand your own interests.”

And so it was we found ourselves attending a local handball final.  For those of you who don’t know handball, you might want to check it out.  It’s actually quite exciting to watch.  It’s like a cross between basketball and soccer. Fast paced, high scoring, and a lot of fun.  But the other benefit was to see friends come by and join us in the stands. We had come with one friend, but before long three others had taken seats around us and we were all enjoying the match together.  A few others came by to say hello and tell us which team was “their team.” 

Will our interest in handball lead to other invitations, other conversations, deeper friendships?  Time will tell, but as we sat in the stands, enjoying the game with friends around us, I couldn’t help but feel like… it’s nice to feel accepted.” 

PRAYERS ANSWERED
The consultant checking for the language project has gone well despite different challenges along the way. Pray for endurance as they finish up this round of checking! Praise God for more signs of belonging—just today we had two different mothers entrust their babies with us while they went to do things they needed to do. 

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray for us as we continue to learn what it looks like to be members in island community. There is a project funded by the outside and carried out by friends from the big islands that distributes boxes to school children. It is just finishing up on our island. Pray that it would effectively spread the light as it hopes to do. Pray for us as team leaders (and Tom as the interim islands leader)— we are called to speak into complex situations that require wisdom and discernment that we don’t always have. We are thankful that we are well supported by others. May God protect us from grave errors and help us to lead well. Pray for good rest and encouragement for our team. Colleagues on the small island are having trouble with visas again— pray for wisdom about the right course of action for them.  Pray for favor before local authorities. We are looking forward to having a former worker/leader from the islands return for a visit— pray for easy travels and an encouraging time.

Are We Comparing or Following?

Shot of English Club

The disciple Peter was reeling from what had just been revealed about his future, from what he was being called to. Seeing someone else, he pointed and said, “But, what about him?” 

As we discussed this story on Sunday I thought about how true Peter’s response is.  How quick we are to look at others and compare. 

Comparison—how it dogs us—sometimes spurring us onto better things, but more often than not hindering us.  We have both witnessed and experienced its poisonous qualities on our teams.  I can remember first arriving in Africa, and after six months of language study, still feeling so incapable of communication.  In this turmoil of self pity, I listened to my teammate (who had arrived at the same time as me) make conversation with a neighbor, making jokes and connecting with people.  At that moment I could have rejoiced for my teammate.  But instead I looked inward and wondered why I couldn’t do that.  Why was I such a failure?  Why did I have to struggle in this area and he didn’t?

Our youngest loves the hammock

Later on we became team leaders and since then we have seen the comparison poison at work in our teams.  Try as we might to keep things equal and fair, each team member has different needs, different struggles, different talents.  Yet on every team, with both the mature and immature, the question, “What about him?” seems always near at hand in our thoughts.  It’s like we can’t help ourselves!  And it isn’t just our teammates, we are often no better as leaders, asking ourselves, “Why aren’t we better at this?”  “Why are we the ones caught up in this crisis?”  “Couldn’t someone else be shouldering these burdens?”

The comparison doesn’t even have to be with the people right around us, yet it can still wrangle:  For example, we read books of amazing people around the world, who have loved deeply, sacrificed greatly and saw incredible things happen. We hope to be inspired, and yet we can be left in despair at their greatness and our feebleness..   Or there are stories from home, updates on social media that remind us of the kind of life back home that we have given up to be on the islands, and we find ourselves wondering, why couldn’t my life be like hers?  It does us no good to think like this, and yet it happens without conscious intention. We see ourselves in a hard place and we ask, why isn’t anyone else facing this?

Our youngest takes photo of Megan

Perhaps it is that we want company on the journey. If we have struggles ahead, we at least want someone going through it with us. But that is where we forget the reality of what lies ahead.   When the disciple Peter asked “What about him?”  The reply was, “If I want him to live until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!” 

The command was “Follow me!” That means we’re not going it alone! We have a partner in this struggle!  Our lives will not look like anyone else’s and we will be all the better for it. The one we follow does not compare us to others.  He sees only the person He has made us to be.   We can’t just copy the person next to us and hope we’re going the right way.  Rather, we must look ahead at the one we’ve been called to follow.  Let’s stop looking side to side. Let’s ignore the distractions and comparisons. Let’s fix our eyes on Him and yell out, “Lead on, I’m with you!”

PRAYERS ANSWERED
The kids have returned to local school after a good break between trimesters.  We are pleased to see that they are adjusting back to school easily.  It seems as if the family across the street who have been so insistent in asking for things are asking a bit less plus we are feeling more comfortable about how to proceed with them. Thank you for your prayers concerning that situation.  Tom’s study group continues to go well.  Although talking about apologetics was not terribly pleasant, it seemed to address many of the misconceptions and ended in a good place.  Pray that we can move on to more fruitful discussions soon.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
We just learned that our former pastor and friend passed away. Pray with us for his wife, adult kids and grandkids and let us rejoice together over his life lived well. We look forward to seeing him again.  The language work’s consultant checking continues this week.  Continue to pray for good and clear communication: technologically, culturally and interpersonally!  We have been hoping for every one on our team to have opportunities to be studying with others.  We’re about half way there.  Pray for current and future study groups. 

Generous?

Regular visitor helps Tom with dishes

“Are we rich or are we poor?” one of our kids asked us once. I turned it back on them and asked them what they thought. They paused for a moment and said, “A little poor, a little rich.” Good answer.

The truth is that while we are not rich by US standards (especially with our style living on the islands), we are still rich by island standards. Almost all of our friends and neighbors are poorer than we are. The islands consistently rank among the poorest nations in the world. But the poverty here is confusing because of islanders’ wonderful ability to care for each other.

Islanders will go months without a salary and yet their children are still fed and clothed. They still go to school and learn. That is because individual islanders are not isolated. Everyone has a network of people that they look to when they are struggling. It is a give and take. If I’m blessed right now then I can give to those who are struggling. If I have something in abundance whether it is freshly baked goodies or a large crop of mangoes— I share with my network. The poorer members of the network receive more but they spread out their requests, not going to the same people too often. They also find ways to give back in small ways— they provide free labor at events, they visit when you are sick, they offer their prayers, and they give small gifts of things they have made.

We’ve only come to understand these networks after years living on the islands. When we first came, we didn’t know what to make of the requests for money and things from our friends and neighbors. We had been warned about dependency issues and creating bad patterns, we had our Western reticence to giving money without understanding the situation well. In the West we prefer “impersonal” giving. We give to a fund or an organization more readily than we put money personally into a poor person’s hand. That is because we don’t feel like we have the knowledge of the situations to give money wisely and we don’t want to complicate relationships with money. But on the islands, the give and take of money is foundational to relationships.

The giving of money is usually based in and strengthens existing relationships. The exception would be beggars. There aren’t many beggars on the islands and they are usually handicapped. Beggars don’t have relationships with people but expect most people to give them a few coins when they ask.

At the river for Easter

So it took awhile to figure out, but generally we feel pretty good about handling giving on the islands. We have some guidelines that have helped us: We always give something but not all. (We realize that we are just part of someone’s network. Many people are supposed to give towards things, not one person doing it all.) We give proportional to our relationship to the person (a close friend should get more than an acquaintance). And we try to give freely with food (we do have friends and neighbors that sometimes go hungry).

But even though we’ve figured out the rules, we sometimes come across someone who doesn’t follow the cultural rules that we have learned. Sometimes they are trying to take advantage of the fact that we are foreigners. Sometimes they are not right mentally and being inappropriate. Sometimes something unusual is going on….we find ourselves in one of those unusual situations right now. 

It started last month— two little neighbor girls came to our house and asked for some food. We have a big sack of rice and some canned sardines for giving away so I sent them away with enough to get them a good way toward a normal island meal.

But then they were back the very next day. Most neighbors that would ask for food like that, would only come once a month, maybe once a week if they were really in a bad place. But these girls were coming every day. Then they started coming multiple times a day. The requests vary. Sometimes they bring their younger siblings. They are cute and polite but they are not following the cultural norms. What is going on?!

Their mother has 5 kids, roughly aged 8, 6, 5, 3 and 6 months. They have 2 or 3 different fathers and the latest father ran off to another island and she doesn’t think he is coming back. Men are usually the ones working outside the home and bringing in the money to buy food and clothes. It is difficult to be a single mother especially with 5 young kids.

But several things feel wrong about this situation. One— these are not new neighbors. They have been here since we arrived over a year ago. In the preceding year, they have asked for things maybe twice, in the past month it has been more than daily. Two— the mother hasn’t visited. She has never gotten to know our kids or otherwise developed a relationship with us. Three—it feels like the mom is trying to manipulate us, like she is always giving the answers that she thinks we want to hear. She claimed that she had a hurt foot and couldn’t walk much but when our visiting doctor friend offered to examine it— she said it was better. She says that she has no one to help her, but later it came out that she has two siblings and that she actually owns her home (we assumed she was a renter). Four— what happened to her network? Why is she leaning on us so heavily all of a sudden? She says that she has some relatives but that they don’t like her. Is she using us as a way of avoiding reconciliation? What happens to her when we leave or go on vacation if she doesn’t maintain her network in the meantime?

We’re not sure what to do.  We are trying to not become weary of doing good. But we find ourselves sighing tiredly when we see the girls come up on our porch yet again. We don’t like the fact that it seems like the girls are being trained to beg and manipulate. But at the same time, sometimes they say that they are hungry and we believe them.

We want to be seen as generous. We want to be vessels of love and light. But we also want this family to have a sustainable way to feed themselves and we don’t want to encourage unhealthy behavior. So we’ve altered our guidelines. We aren’t giving to every request. We’re giving what is on hand and readily available, not always what was asked for. I’ve taken the opportunity to share truth with the mother. I’ve tried to challenge her about her family connections. I’ve also tried to brainstorm with her ways that she could make some money to support her family. She says, “Yes, that’s true” when I talk, she looks embarrassed when I challenge her, and she insists that she will start making things and selling them on the street as soon as she can, but I still get the feeling that she is saying what she thinks I want to hear.

Its clear that we don’t know the whole situation so we keep praying.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We’ve heard news that while problems remain on the French island, the road barricades have been lifted so people can move more easily. Our Brazilian teammates’ papers have all been accepted, they are now just waiting to receive the visas. Our team’s language push went well. Another man (one we have known for a long time) has joined the weekly study group with Tom, we’re excited by his interest.

Boys playing pretend

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Please pray for us as we continue to wrestle with what it means to be generous and loving in this culture. We’ve recently confirmed that some money has been stolen from our home— the only person with clear access and knowledge would be our current house helper. We’re saddened by the possibility that it could have been her but we have no proof. We are increasing security and have talked to her about it. Pray for us and for that relationship. Tom was asked to watch apologetic recordings that islanders listen to a lot. He will have a chance to respond to their arguments this week. The kids are still off from school this week— we’re doing homeschool but they still have lots of freetime. Pray that we could find good things with which to fill their time and expend their energy.  The language project is checking their work with consultants via Skype both this week and next week— pray for them as these can be long days and also pray that the internet connection continues to be strong and reliable.

Carrying Things for Strangers

Waiting at small island airport with teammates

Anyone who has traveled knows that you are never supposed to carry things for strangers. Travelers know this so well that you would never be approached by someone in the States asking for you to take something, but raveling on the islands is different.

Our first few times we were asked to carry something, it was small things— a letter or a manila envelope. Usually it was important papers that they couldn’t risk in the mail or it was cash that needed to get to somebody. Interisland mail is so unreliable that most people, if they have something to send, will head to the airport and look for a friendly face. As white foreigners we are seen as more trustworthy than even other islanders.

But it isn’t always small things. Sometimes someone has a box or a whole bag of stuff. They eye everyone’s luggage seeing if there is someone not using their whole luggage allowance.

We only agree to carry things on interisland flights because the airlines accept it as regular practice. They willingly give the baggage claim slip to some random person even though the bag is technically in our name. There is usually someone at the airport on the other end whisking away the item before we even have to think about it.  In the past we’ve taken passport applications, money, lifesaving medications, bags of produce and undisclosed luggage. But this last time took things to a new level. Our whole team was traveling to the little island. We were already checked in and just waiting for our flight to be called. One of our friends who works at the airport came up to us. We had the normal chitchat of greetings. We confirmed what he suspected, that we were on our way to the little island. “You know that person there has a little girl that needs to go to the little island. They are wondering if you would be willing to take her.”

Our teammate making new friend

I had already noted the little girl. She was probably 3 years old and dressed up in the traditional dress of the island. She was very cute. “So no adult is traveling with her. They want us to take her alone.” Yes that is exactly what they wanted. To be clear, they didn’t know us at all, not even a little bit. We’re not even islanders.

Apparently she had flown to our island, Clove Island, a few weeks previously with someone and now it was time for her to return home. Her mother would be waiting for her on the other end, they assured us. We quickly conferred with our team and in no time the little girl’s relative was at the counter securing her a ticket. Our teammate was also quick on the uptake and undertook getting to know our little charge, knowing that a plane full of white people would be enough to reduce most island kids to tears.

Our teammate worked her magic, gaining the little girl’s trust while we reflected on this truly island experience. She stayed attached to our teammate as we said goodbye to her relatives, went through security and waited for our plane. They told the airline she was almost 2 years old (even though she was clearly around 3 years old) so that they only had to buy an infant ticket. So it was on our teammate’s lap she went. She was asleep in her arms a little after take-off.

Our son turned 8!

Overall she was in our teammate’s “custody” for less than 2 hours. There was nothing official about it. And while our Western warning bells were going off, from an island perspective we were just doing a favor. If you don’t have a good reason to say no, it somehow seems unneighborly to refuse.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
The first week of our team language push has gone well.  We’re so thankful for teammates with a great attitude who continue to work hard in language.  They are doing so well.  Our kids made it through another trimester of school and now have two weeks off.  We are so thankful for the way they’ve been doing at school.  Our eldest son turned 8 this past week.  We are so thankful for him and his fun and creative spirit.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
There have ben many problems over on the French island—lots of strikes and government shut downs, blocked roads, and demonstrations.  Pray for peace, stability and a way forward for this troubled island.  Pray for our friends who work there and are finding life very difficult.  Pray for our old Brazilian teammates who have been trying to move to the French island and work at the hospital.  They’ve had horrible trouble with visa bureaucracy which may or may not be related to the troubles there.  We know they would do much good on that island, so pray that they will be able to travel there soon.  A colleague from the little island is returning home because of unexplained health issues.  Pray for a discovery of the problem, healing, and a quick return.  Pray for her other colleagues as they move forward without her.  Encouraging study groups of both men and women have been happening.  Pray for all those interested would find what they have been looking for.