Only One Month

It has only been a month since his wife has died, but Dimi hasn’t had the freedom to take a break from life. Beyond the daily duty of caring for his four kids, he also needs to work to provide for them. Dimi admitted that it has been rough in lots of different ways, even while he can point to all the examples of God’s goodness and of the way people have been coming alongside him to help him with the kids. Women in the extended family are coming over and helping prepare food and clean the house. They worked it out so his kids are in the same classes as their cousins, so the burden of ferrying kids to/from school is shared. Life keeps going, even as the lives of him and his kids has changed so much. They’ve had to transition to new routines, school has restarted and their lives have rearranged—and it’s only been a month!

On river hike

It’s only been a month, but Dimi tells us that pressure started as soon as his wife’s funeral (a mere days after her death). The pressure for him to find another wife.

When Megan had first explained Dimi’s situation to an island friend—just that a man with 4 kids had lost his wife—her friend was very quick to say that he just needed to find another wife (ideally an unmarried sister or cousin in his wife’s family) to raise his kids. She made it sound easy and that after that, all his problems and difficulties would be over. But this was an islander who doesn’t know Dimi or his  heart.  She was just talking generally—that’s what should be done in these situations.  But Dimi has a different kind of heart. 

Unsure on 1st day of school

We knew the pressure to remarry would come eventually, but we didn’t realize how quickly and how directly. But no, days after the funeral, Dimi was told directly that now that his wife was in the ground, he was free to start looking for a new wife (and he should!).  There is even a story that says that their prophet said as soon as the dirt has filled in the grave, on the walk back from the graveyard, a man should start searching for his new wife.  To our ears, it boggles the mind how anyone could be so callous, but many islanders would nod their heads in agreement and add an amen to this sentiment.

Thankfully Dimi is able to use these conversations to share that his view of marriage is very different from that of most islanders. His wife was not just the mother of his children and the woman who cooked and cleaned at his house. She was a partner in his life.  Two had become one.

Unfortunately this is not how islanders usually view marriage. In our experience, most island men would confidently say that their mother is the most important woman in their life. Their reasoning is that wives are replaceable (you can always get another one), but your mother isn’t. We have often lamented this feeling among island men.   Thankfully we have known some island men who have good marriages where they truly love their wives. We doubt these men would be so flippant about replacing their wives. But we pray for more islanders to feel this way— we pray that more islanders would respect marriage so much that they took time to find the right partner.

After good first week!

Many years ago, Dimi was riding in a car with Tom and he shared that, though he loved his wife very much, he regretted not finding a wife with the same heart.  That if he had to do it over again, he would have married someone of the same heart, soul, mind and strength.  Tom was able to remind him of that conversation.  Dimi said he remembered that conversation well.  He had not forgotten and that’s why he asked us to pray for him.

So the reality for Dimi is that he is feeling a lot of pressure, and that pressure will most likely only continue. To be fair, we are sure that some of these people who are pressuring are trying to be helpful. They are thinking of his kids and how hard it is to raise and care for kids without a wife. They are thinking of him and his loneliness. They aren’t used to men caring so much for their wives and may see themselves as being helpful. But it isn’t helping him grieve his wife and process what life now looks like for his family. It's only been a month.

PRAYERS ANSWERED

Megan’s knee is doing a lot better.  Our colleagues returned from the medical conference.  It sounds like it went well and was very encouraging.  Our youngest son’s first week of school went really well.  It seems like he has a good, encouraging teacher and he seems more comfortable speaking up in class (speaking French) than he was last year—we are so thankful!  Our daughter is having a great time enjoying a beach vacation with friends from school.  We’ve been able to talk to her a few times and are happy to see her doing so well—even if we miss her tons.  

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray for Dimi and his children, for them to find the space to grieve and for Dimi to remain strong amidst the onslaught of pressure from friends and family.  Pray for wisdom and discernment in how he should answer others and how to move forward.  Pray for our new brother Uhaju, who has been growing leaps and bounds in his heart and mind, but we are having trouble connecting him with our island brothers and sisters.  We need wisdom on how to do that well and to see him matched with others who want to learn and grow. Pray for the women’s gathering happening this week without one of the usual organizers— may women come and may other island women step up in discussion to make use of teachable moments.