Debutante Bride

Mother Bride at first hair-cut event

There are different layers of island culture. There are the things that even the common visitor sees and then the things that you only discover after living here. We keep digging deeper into island culture. Added to this is the fact that island culture (like all cultures) is changing. So even after living here for several years, we continue to have new lessons to learn about the islands.

Often these cultural lessons start with puzzling or confusing experiences, for example… over a year ago I was at an event for a little girl’s first hair-cut. I’ve been to several and generally it is a time for blessing the child and her future (for boys the corresponding ceremony is around circumcision). This event was bigger than I had ever seen before, but the women were gathered and singing in normal, predictable ways. Then all of sudden a bride entered the event. I mean a full-on bride, in her wedding dress and the traditional bride hairdo with all the gold jewelry. Suddenly I was confused. I asked the person next to me, “Who is that?” “That’s the mother of the girl.” Then while everyone insisted that the event was for a little girl, the mother dressed as a bride is the one that had center-stage for most of the evening.

I left that event confused.

Then there was a wedding last month. One of our regulars at English Club invited us to a wedding of someone in her family. A pretty common occurrence. But when I actually went to the wedding event I was surprised to see my friend dressed as a bride!  She wasn’t THE bride. She had entered before the big bridal procession and she sat among the guests, but she was dressed just like the bride and had a mini-procession of her own. It was weird! Imagine going to someone else’s wedding dressed in a bridal gown and carrying a bouquet. Before the official bride’s big entrance, they called up my friend and the emcee presented her with the traditional bridal gift of gold on behalf of her husband. I was confused, was this some kind of double wedding? Her husband wasn’t there and the rest of the wedding proceeded like normal but there she was among the guests as a second-bride.

Megan & Debutante bride (at her cousin's wedding)

Later that week, armed with questions, I went and sat with my neighbors to learn about this phenomenon. What I learned is that a changing or a short-cutting of the cultural rules has begun. Marriage is really important for islanders, we’ve always known that. We’ve also known that there is status in doing the big wedding ceremony. Once you’ve done it, you are bumped up in society. You have more honor, more respect and more priveledges. For women, they kept using the phrase “she’s gone outside (as a bride)”. It struck me as being analogous to the debutante balls of yesteryear where young women fully entered society. An island woman could be quietly married and have several children but until she had “gone out” into society as a bride, she wasn’t fully respected and she hadn’t fully met the cultural expectations for being a full-fledged female member of adult society.

So the traditional way to “go out” is at the climatic event of a big wedding where the bride processes in, dressed in her fancy outfit with all the gold jewelry and the traditional hair style and headdress. These events are big and expensive and public and feature the traditional tari music. 

It is here where the short-cut has developed. People have started debuting as brides in other public events that use tari music. The organizers have to agree, but assuming they are close friends or family, there is the possibility of being a sort of “debutante bride” and checking off that cultural expectation without doing the big wedding yourself!

We’re not sure how it started but the society has accepted it, so it is getting more popular. Since that first hair-cutting ceremony, I have been to 4 more hair cutting events that included debutante brides (most often the mother of the child)! Time will tell if these debutante brides will be second-class citizens compared to the ones that did the full big wedding event, but my neighbors said the important thing is just to do it, to check off the box. Then you can participate fully in all kinds of events in the community and no one can say you’re not worthy of it.

Tom visited village class

As a foreigner I am given a pass to participate in the community without these expectations, but it hasn’t stopped more than one person from asking m when I will be the debutante bride.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Megan’s back has been feeling better and she has been sleeping better.  Our health as a family finally seems to be improving.  We are thankful for good health.  It also helps that it has been a bit cooler this past week.  We are thankful for rain and slightly cooler weather.  We had a good conversation with a potential future teammate.  May that process continue to go well.  Our island brother who was sick with dengue fever is feeling better. 

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Tom was able to share the story of the 2 Kingdoms with a few people at yet another event for his friend Bako’s wedding.  May it spark questions in their hearts.  Tom has also had some good conversations recently with some of the guys he sees regularly and talks with about the deep truths.  May they choose the Kingdom of Light.  There is an election coming up for mayors, governors and parliament members.  We don’t expect there to be any trouble, but we can use these opportunities to pray for better governance, more transparency and greater justice.  Our teammate gets back from her home assignment a week from today!  Pray for her safe travels and transition back to the islands.