Being Genuine 2: Speaking Hard Truth

Our living room at night

“How is that training going?”  I asked the man sitting across from me.  He’s a regular visitor. We see each other every week.

“Oh, it didn’t work out,” he said. 

I expected this answer.  It was one I had heard many times before.  Every time there is an opportunity, it doesn’t work out.  Was I just going to accept it or was I going to say something this time?...  The time had come to say something.

“It never works out with you.  You never have time.  I think you don’t really want to grow.  I think you say these things, but you aren’t really interested.” 

He regarded me with an offended look.  “No, it’s not like that.  I want to do these things.”

“I don’t think you do.  I’ll believe it when I see it.”

A few weeks ago we wrote a blog called Being Genuine.  It was about being honest and truthful in how we portray ourselves and the spin we give to facts.

Sweaty Tom with a friend at a ceremony

We’ve noticed a cultural tendency on the islands.  There are many relationships that aren’t genuine and both parties know it, and yet everyone continues with the charade to save face.  (Saving face is important here.) Sometimes it is harmless, like the man who tells me every time I see him, “I’ve been so busy, but I’ll come to the English Club this next week,” and yet never comes.  My usual reply to him is: “I look forward to seeing you, God willing,” even though I don’t actually expect him to show up. We smile. We nod. We go our separate ways. From the outside this isn’t very genuine, but culturally we both know the truth and are just saying what is polite.

But sometimes it has implications beyond just politeness.  Like the guy above who calls me a friend and brother and yet whenever I try to talk to him about serious things, whenever I want to visit him, he simply doesn’t have the time.  He talks a good game, but he has nothing to show for it.  What does it mean to be genuine with this guy?  Can we play the charade or does our relationship require an honesty that is more truly genuine?  Aren’t we obligated to speak truthfully to one another? 

If we are to be genuine then we need accountability to keep us honest.  This is why we send our newsletters and blogs not only to those we love that are thousands of miles away, but also to our colleagues here on the islands with us.  It is important that those who can see with their own eyes what is happening in our lives can be a check that we are being genuine in our communication.  As we wrote a few weeks ago, it would be easy to mislead others but we can even deceive ourselves.  If we don’t have accountability, we may not only be tempted to be less than genuine, but we might not even be seeing our own faults clearly. One sign of this self-deception is not running away from accountability. If we don’t want accountability, then we probably are not being completely honest with ourselves or others.

Accountability should be a two-way street. It should be something we get from others, but also something we give. And that means speaking hard truths sometimes.

After I said those hard things to my friend, there was a long silence that followed.  Eventually we switched to the subject of politics and he became talkative again.  We prayed as usual and then he left.

I’m not sure what happens now. Will he come back? Will he be willing to go deeper next time?  Or will he act like the conversation never happened?  Will he accept accountability and the challenge it represents to his status quo? I hope so.

Our team

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We are thankful for our sister on the little island. She was taken to court and answered truthfully the questions she was asked. Thankfully she was released and we continue to pray for her relationships with her family and neighbors. We were encouraged to attend an event for kids organized by island brothers and sisters— it was fun to see all their and our children together and to see truth being shared with them. We are excited that there are plans for more gatherings to happen on a regular basis as well as for the upcoming holiday.


PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray for the brother mentioned above and others like him and our interactions with them. Pray for an island sister who recently lost her grandmother.  We were encouraged to spend time together with her and others and to hear that there was hope for her grandmother’s eternity. Pray for her mother who, due to travel restrictions, cannot be with family and is feeling alone in her grief.  Continue to pray for our teammate who leaves this Saturday for her home country, for a four month time away.  Pray for strong goodbyes and her safe travels. There have been lots of rumors about the president this past week. There is video of him collapsing during a speech which ignited speculations about his health and various possible reasons. The government says he is perfectly healthy but others say he has been taken abroad for treatment. We don’t know what to believe but continue this small nation and for good and healthy governance. Our kids have started their end-of-trimester exams at school. It is our youngest’s first time doing them. (He’s only 6.) But it is actually our middle son (8 years old) that gets really nervous about them. Pray for peace for him. Finally it has been really hot. Pray that we can get good nights’ sleep in this awful humidity and that we would win the battle against heat rash!