Having Children

Visiting new baby

Having children is a big deal here. Islanders believe it is a religious obligation for everyone to get married and have children. You are called by a new name when you have a child (for example, Tom’s mom would be called Ma Tom). We’ve known women accept a bad marriage with the thought that they would stay long enough to have a kid and then be done with it. We’ve known men pressured by family to take second wives in order to have kids. There is  such societal pressure to have children that you can see the relief for a couple once they have a child.

While even one child is relief of societal pressure, the ideal is to have children of both gender. During our first years on the islands, I remember getting in a taxi and an old women telling me I needed to have 8 kids, 4 boys and 4 girls. I only had one child at the time, but she asked me my age and assured me that I could still manage it. Since then, I’ve heard similar sentiments repeated—traditionally islanders like big families 8-12 kids, with ideally equal numbers of boys and girls. You always get a little sympathy if you only have one gender (whether it’s boys or girls).

So children are important, but at the same time “mama” and “child” are very generic words on the islands. It has caused us much confusion over the years as we’ve tried to understand the make-up of different families.  Someone can say “This is my child” and it might be a niece/nephew, grandchild, young cousin or just a young member of their extended family or a child they are raising. In the same way, “mama” can be any aunt or older female relative and/or the woman who raised you. I’ve even had the experience of being introduced to two women where the first was “my mother who raised me” and the second was “my mother who gave birth to me”. 

Last week our good friend Ma Nadjma was at our house and told us that her brother and sister-in-law had asked to take her baby (Nadjma) to the small island. Nadjma is her only child. She seemed a little nervous about it, but it was also clear that she couldn’t really refuse. Nadjma was over a year old and already weaned, so she had no reason to refuse. The most she could say was “Don’t be gone too long!” They assured her that they were just thinking of being gone a month, but Ma Nadjma expressed her concerns that they were visiting a sick relative and that they might be asked to stay longer, even two months.

Ma Nadjma & Nadjma

Now we’ve wondered why a young uncle and aunt (only in their early twenties at most) would want the extra hassle and trouble of taking a baby with them on such a trip. But then I remembered—they don’t have any kids. They are visiting the family that raised her and because of the convenient linguistic ambiguity they can call Nadjma their “child” and, without lying, they can remove any stigma from the fact that they don’t have kids yet.

Sometimes I wonder if the important thing is really to be a parent, to reach that social status and that the children are sometimes secondary. Last week we talked about visiting three newborns in one day. One of the newborns was a firstborn. There were people around helping the new mother and the baby had all brand-new clothes and blankets. Next we went upstairs in the same house and visited another mother (the two mothers are actually sisters). This mother had just had her 8th child! Her small home consists of two rooms.  Each room is crowded by a large bed, so there is almost no room to move around.. Her and the newborn were alone on one bed, while the other bed was packed with at least four napping teenagers— four of her older children.  No one seem much concerned with the new baby.  There was none of the fussing over her like we had seen with the baby downstairs. The most telling moment was when we asked the baby’s name and the mother thought for a moment and then had to call for someone else, “Hey, what’s the baby’s name, again?” This was her own child! Now in her defense sometimes other relatives choose the name and the mother doesn’t get a say, but still, the baby was already a couple weeks old.  You’d think her mother would have learned it by then! 

Nadjma has been gone for over a week now, and it is obvious that Ma Nadjma is missing her a lot. She keeps showing us pictures. A few days ago Nadjma got sick!  Ma Nadjma arrived to work quite upset about it and starting strategizing with us ways of collecting money to get Nadjma a ticket back to our island as soon as possible.  As part of the planning, we let her use our phone to call her brother and sister-in-law only to discover that Nadjma had already recovered. Ma Nadjma’s relief was visible… but I think she’s still looking for an excuse to get her baby girl home soon.

Kids exploring Rocks

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Ma Imani’s test results are in and they are all negative.  She does not have cancer and will soon return to the islands.  Megan was able to share the two kingdoms with our old neighbor, Ma Raziki.  Ma Raziki has never shown any interest in these matters before.  It was exciting to see her responding and listening to the story.  May it touch her heart.  Tom had another good time studying with his friends. They plan to go back to studying the book.  Pray that this time will be illuminating! 

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Our kids are supposed to start school soon, but the teachers are on strike.  Pray for the strike to end soon and for the the kids’ transition to school (whenever that may be) for connecting with their friends and teachers and for their language to come back.  We have a visitor with us.  She has been great and has jumped into life here.  Pray that the rest of her time would go well and that this would be a useful time of reflection and learning.  We video chatted with some potential future teammates this week.  The conversation went well.  We pray for the Lord’s leading and discernment in these things.