A Good Catch?

Island husband and wife

“Is he a good person?”
“Oh, yes!” they assured me.
“Have you known him long?” I pushed, wondering if they knew him well enough to know if he was a good guy or not.
“No. But he came and told me that he wanted to marry me and we talked some and understood each other. He likes my child and she likes him.”

So she’s planning on marrying the guy who she barely knows! Just like that, even after her disastrous first marriage to a guy she barely knew, where he only stuck around long enough to impregnate her and then left her with absolutely nothing—no support, no contact, nothing. They had told me that the first guy was a “good person” too, only to rail about him later as the worst of men. It came out later that he had only married her because his mom wanted him to. So this new guy desires to marry her for his own reasons—does that make him a catch?

This is not the first time that we have been chagrined by the lack of scrutiny that some islanders use in the engagement process. For many island women there is a feeling that you need to secure a guy while you can. “Who knows how many proposals you’ll get? This could be your only chance.” Unfortunately, this thinking often leads to people “settling”, loveless marriages, and quick divorce.

Our three peas in a pod

Unfortunately again, islanders don’t usually put high expectations on marriage. Husbands and wives often don’t spend a lot of time together, so if they don’t really enjoy each other’s company that’s not a problem.  I remember warning a mother against her daughter’s fiancé and she just assured me that if he was really a bad guy, then “she’d just leave him.” The possibility that he was a terrible guy wasn’t enough to stop the wedding.  Terrible husband?  No problem.  There’s always divorce.

So our friend has found someone who wants to marry her. With a messy first marriage and a child, her options aren’t plentiful. In that sense, she’s content to have any offer. But still, we push her to want more, to know the man before she marries him, to make sure he’ll treat her and her daughter well, to see if she likes him as a person beforehand.  We push and probe and ask questions, but it’s an uphill battle.  It’s yet another area where we fight against the current while the blank stares and non-committal answers seem to say, “Why do you care so much?”

Tom at the bday party

It’s this background of unfulfilling/broken marriages that made last Thursday so refreshing… We were at an island sister’s birthday party.  Her husband got up and gave a speech. We listened as he talked about his wife and their marriage. They had been friends, went to school together, studied abroad together, and been engaged for six years before they married. There was a sense of partnership, of a building a life together, of genuine affection and respect that was so different from what we hear from most islanders about marriage.  Now their marriage has not always been easy.  We’ve seen them go through some hard times.  But the commitment, the love, the oneness is there in a way so often lacking in island marriages, we couldn’t help but rejoice with them and hope that it will be an example worth following.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
The rumors of unrest did not come to fruition! Things have been calm. Our teammate made it safely back to the US.  Our sister’s birthday party was a lot of fun and a great opportunity for her to reach out to her friends in love.  Tom was able to get back together with the guys he’s been meeting with and it went well.


PRAYERS REQUESTED
We pray for our friend mentioned above that she will find a good man to marry and be a father to her daughter (whether it is her current suitor or someone else). Tom has had a bad cough for a couple weeks, pray that it would go away and he’d get good sleep.  A neighbor we’ve known for a long time has recently shown an interest in talking about the kingdom of light and watching the associated film.  These meetings have been encouraging, even if we’re not sure where it is all leading to.  Pray it leads to great things! Megan has been making new and deeper contacts with some of our neighbors.  Pray that these friendships could continue to develop.