Entering Marriage

 Islanders sometimes get married very quickly. Sometimes they don’t even know their future spouse because it was arranged by family members. Or sometimes, the initial conversation of interest proceeds directly to a marriage.

It has troubled us in the past, how often a prospective bride/groom hasn’t been able to answer basic questions about their spouse, the most fundamental of which is: “Are they a good person?”

An island bride and groom

I have often expressed concern in these situations. One time I was really strong in my misgivings. Our island friend was rushing into a marriage with a foreigner and there were red flags and bad circumstances all around. But every time I pressed my concerns to her mother, the answer was “Well, she’ll just divorce him. If it ends up bad, she’ll just divorce him.”

They did end up getting married. It was a sham of a marriage and they divorced.

On the islands, divorce is common. I think islanders still hope for long lasting marriages, but divorce happens a lot and there is a not much stigma stopping you from divorcing if that’s what you want.

As we were arriving back on the islands last month, there was another marriage in the works. We were only on the outskirts of it, not being close with either of the parties, but several of our friends and coworkers were quite involved and contacted us, looking to talk things through and perhaps get some advice or at least prayers.

On the surface it was a wonderful thing, a known island sister and a known island brother wanted to get married! We pray for more godly marriages on the islands, so this seems like an answer to prayer!

But from our perspective, they were rushing into it. They lived on different islands. They had both been married in the past. They hadn’t talked about where they would live, or what their married life might look like. They hadn’t even been an established couple when the idea of getting married was mentioned, and yet they were going to marry within days.

Our colleagues were trying to ask for caution, to slow things down. They mentioned ideas like premarital counseling, but this is a very foreign idea to islanders.  In fact at least one respected island brother was advising the couple to get married as soon as possible. The sentiment I heard was “that’s how islanders do it.” You get married and figure it out afterwards.

Now, we don’t want to be paternalistic and there are western traditions of going about marriage that are also flawed. But my mind went back to that previous bad island marriage to which I was close and I thought, is the reason that islanders feel okay rushing into marriage because divorce is seen as such an easy out?  So we advised others to warn the couple that the expectation in a godly marriage is that you are making a lifelong commitment and that there should be a lot of prayer for guidance, unity and clarity before moving forward.  

Ultimately, the wedding was delayed. Perhaps not long enough to make everyone comfortable—they waited at least another week or two! But there was at least time for some discussion, a bit of reflection and a lot of prayer.

Traveling in taxi from airport

We long for strong island marriages transformed by the good news.  But culture is complicated.  Clearly it is not just island marriages that need transformation, but pre-marriage as well.  This will not look like it does in America, but we hope and pray that over time and through practice, this too will be transformed into a process that is good, thoughtful and blessed.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We are thankful for Islanders who have embraced the good news marrying one another.  This is certainly an answer to our prayers.  All of our travels went smoothly.  God even watched over us when Megan forgot her phone at check-in and got it back promptly and when Tom realized a passport had fallen out of his pocket before exiting the plane.  Both of these could have been a real headache, but God is good.  (We also are thankful for the realization that we travel better when we’re together.)  Our daughter’s doctor’s appointment went well, with the confirmation that the current treatment is helping and she will soon be able to be completely off steroids.  

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray for this new marriage, that God would bless it and help them to love one another well as they navigate a new life together.  Pray for our stamina through long days of meetings—there are important subjects being discussed about the future of our organization in the region.  Continue to pray for our colleagues whose toddler daughter is being treated for a serious medical condition.  She is undergoing treatment now and will have more testing done on the 16th of October.  Pray that the tests will reveal complete recovery.  We will get to spend a few days with all our kids over next weekend.  Pray that we might have meaningful times together. Our daughter’s current treatment is working, but it looks to be difficult to get the medication— pray that we would find a consistent way to get the meds she needs. Pray that the sisters on Clove Island would meet this week after a long break from their monthly gatherings.