We are told that it is important to be generous. There are many proverbs and verses reinforcing this idea. And yet, I see in myself that I am not overly generous by nature. It is something I continue to grow in. I have not figured it out yet. I recognize that it isn’t meant to be legalism but a heart posture flowing from my love of God and others, but sometimes, even when I am generous, my heart is not. My hand gives with a grumble. My mind questions my actions.
![]() |
| Tom giving his time for ceremony |
When I lived in America I thought of myself as generous. Though we didn’t have a lot, we did a good bit of charitable giving to different organizations—more than the 10% baseline. When we went out with friends, we would often be happy to pay for the meal. Things like that felt good and were relatively easy to do. It’s true, we didn’t usually give money to strangers or to homeless people. We were taught (and perhaps rightly so) that this exacerbates the problem. “If you give a drunk money, he’ll just buy more alcohol. So giving to him doesn’t actually help him.”
This taught me to be circumspect about giving. Then we came to the islands, and initially my old understandings of generosity seemed to work and were reinforced. There were a lot of books out at that time like “When Helping Hurts” which were offering a needed corrective to naïve, disconnected giving. In our first years we saw the practicality of being cautious about giving too generously as the first people to approach us as foreigners were the ones who knew how (or thought they knew how) to work the system and get money out of foreigners. The false sincerity, lies, and damage we saw them doing not only with us but also to the sense of trust and community among local brothers and sisters was enough to confirm our approach to generosity as a good one.
But as time passed, year after year, my old understandings of generosity stopped working. They needed to change. Life simply demanded it. How did life change? I began to understand island people, their culture, their understanding of generosity, but most of all I got to know islanders. My deeper friendships demanded that I change. I had a choice between growing in my understanding of generosity or giving up my friendships to hold on to my old views. That battle still rages in my heart, but I am learning.
Here are some of the lessons I have been learning:
Generosity is all the time. There are many beggars in our town. Most of them are handicapped in some way. They make their living through begging. It is understood by islanders that this is their lot in life. So when I walk through town, I should probably be ready to give to the beggars I see. I should leave the house with some change in my pocket. All too often I forget to bring anything and must pass them by without giving them anything. Every time I do this, I feel a tug at my heart—I just missed an opportunity to be generous because I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t ready for daily generosity.
Friendship is harder when faced with real poverty. I have become friends with some very poor people. We may not seem rich to you, but compared to many islanders we are so rich and some of my friends are so poor. Muki lives in a tin shack that is 10ft square. He sleeps on a dirty mattress on the ground. He gets one good meal a day. Many times he comes to my house hungry. I do not like dependency. It is something we need to avoid. I worry that Muki cannot separate the good of the things we study from the good of the food I give him to eat. But I also don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to see him go hungry. I try to be generous with him, but sometimes he asks for so much—‘give me food’, ‘give me medicine’, ‘give me money for a taxi’, ‘and when you come back from your travels give me a phone’. It is tremendously difficult knowing when to say yes, no, or “here’s something else instead of what you asked for.”
Friendship involves giving. That seems obvious. Isn't that what love is all about—putting someone else’s need before your own? And yet, I’ve come to realize that I expect a lot of reciprocity in my friendships— I don’t like when giving is mostly one-way. I also usually don’t expect friends to “go out of their way for me” unless it is a special situation. But islanders (and I think they’ve got this right) see going out of your way as very much part of friendship. Friend’s are meant to go out of the way for one another. Friends are meant to give each other gifts. Friends will do their best to help their friends even at the great cost of personal time and resources. To deny such things to a friend is to break relationship—or to say, we aren’t really friends.
But the biggest lesson is that generosity is personal and relational. Giving online to a charity is great and easy—and impersonal. Giving to your poor friend who has gotten to the end of the month, run out of money, or his boss hasn’t bothered to pay him this month, and he asks you to pay his electricity bill and you wonder if you are creating dependency and have to decide how much to give—do I pay the full amount or give a contribution or should I refuse this time? Should I give as gift or just as a loan? Giving like this is complicated. It’s not easy. It’s very personal.
![]() |
| Our son on big island |
I still struggle with this. I grumble and roll my eyes when someone keeping asking me for just one too many things. Sometimes I still say ‘no’ when I should say ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ when I should say ‘no’. I struggle to get it right. But I’m thankful for the struggle. My heart needs stretching in order to grow and God in His grace loves to bring people into our lives who stretch us.
PRAYERS ANSWERED
The men had their monthly gathering, several men came and there was good discussion. Our youngest son traveled by himself to the big island and had a good weekend with our friends there. We were able to pack up and close up our house. Tom was able to do one final English ceremony the night before we left. We were able to give away some stuff and bless some friends as we left.
PRAYERS REQUESTED
We are in the middle of travels to mainland Africa and our youngest son is not feeling well. Pray that he could find healing and energy to last him through our travels. This week Tom has an appointment at the US embassy to renew his passport, pray that he would get his new passport without any delays. Please be pray that those with whom we study regularly, that they would continue to study and grow in our absence. Our fridge door is broken. Pray that it can hold together until we get back to the islands and be a blessing to those who might use our house while we’re gone.














