Wedding Attendance is Still Important

 Over our ten years on the islands, we’ve been to a lot of weddings. More than we can remember. Unlike weddings in the US, you don’t have to know someone well to go to their wedding and you don’t have to receive an individual invitation. News of weddings are spread throughout neighborhoods with everyone who can attending. Foreigners are considered desirable wedding guests, so we are often pointedly invited.

Early weddings- Tom with groom in 2013

When we first came to the islands, we made a point of accepting lots of wedding invitations. They were interesting as we got to know and learn about island culture. It was a chance to strengthen new relationships, so we went to weddings in different contact’s families. But as we’ve stayed longer, we get so many invitations that during the high wedding seasons, we could run ourselves ragged going to all the weddings we hear about. So we’ve became more selective. With our trip to the States this past summer and my back surgery the summer before,  we missed the high wedding seasons two years in a row. We missed a lot of weddings, but I noted that we were so well known in our community that it didn’t seem to hurt relationships— people knew our reasons.

Part of me started to wonder if we could actually cut back on weddings even more—wait for weddings where we really knew the bride or groom. With these thoughts, it was a little begrudgingly that I went to a wedding this month, knowing that I only knew the extended family but couldn’t name the bride or groom and plus, it was meant to be a small “secret” wedding and it didn’t seem to me that I was close enough to the couple to make the guest list. Still I was pointedly asked to go and I went.  And unexpectedly, I met someone new.

She was a woman with some English who was excited to know me. She is obviously not very familiar with our group because she was surprised that I spoke the local language and asked if I had ever been to an island wedding before! I smiled and said that I had been to many ones before. 

Early wedding- our daughter with bride in 2013

Our conversation led to meeting her husband and inviting her to our English Club. She came to our English Club and expressed a desire to become a regular attendee. Then we learned her husband is the hospital director that our teammate is dealing with for her work, so who knows, our helping his wife with English could potentially cause him to have more friendly feelings towards our group. Lots of potential from a single new acquaintance from a single wedding event.  

So, did I need to go to that wedding? I don’t know that I would have been missed by most people if I hadn’t gone, and the bride and groom didn’t seem greatly impacted by my attendance, but I think God wanted me there. Weddings are times of mixing, reminding old friends that we are here and part of the community, and even a time for making new friends! New friends mean new relationship and new opportunities! So I guess there is still a place for going to a random wedding, especially if that’s where God wants us to be!

PRAYERS ANSWERED
There has been a dramatic turn of events for our island sister on the small island who has faced persecution from her father, was taken to court and had the prospect of being kicked out of her home looming over her. The head justice said that she is the sole owner of her property and she cannot be kicked out and that she can even report her father if he bothers her again and also that she is free to follow her own beliefs!  Apparently her father also dropped any complaints against her. This is a huge encouragement and an unexpected answer to prayer. A second airline is opening back up on the islands— meaning that we are now hopeful that we will be able to get to the small island by plane when we need to go in a few weeks. We are thankful for Tom as we celebrated his birthday this past week. We are also thankful that even though he was quite ill on Saturday that the illness was short-lived and he is already feeling much better. We had a nice, short visit with our former teammate and good friend.  Our colleague’s toddler daughter is doing much better and they’ve made it back to the islands.  Their daughter will finish up treatments and go for a check up in a couple of months, but she is doing well.  Thanks for praying!

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray that we would have wisdom about what events (ceremonies, weddings, celebrations…) we should attend and which ones to say ‘no’ to— may we be sensitive to God’s leading. Tom is traveling to a remote village this week where someone whom we have trained is trying to open a new English teaching program. Pray that Tom would be a light in this village that we’ve never visited before.  The monthly women’s gatherings have finished the series of studies that we were working through— pray for wisdom about what to do next with them. Pray for our two older kids at boarding school— they are in a busy season at school and are sounding kind of stressed. Pray that they would find the right balance of work, rest and fun, and that stress levels would go way down.

Slowly, Slowly

Slowly, slowly isn’t a handicap.
To go fast is to go, To go slow is to go.
Fast, fast has no blessing.

These island proverbs embrace doing things slowly. These past weeks I was reminded of them and even learned that the neighboring countries have their own versions of these same proverbs in their languages.
It can often be a frustration when two cultures meet if their pace of life is different. Generally the pace of island life is slower. The expectation that things will or should get done in a certain amount of time is different.

Island sunsetting

Our upbringing in the West often valued speed and efficiency.

Time is of the essence.
The early bird gets the worm.
Time is money.
We haven’t got all day.
There’s no time like the present.

It is funny that the blog last week talked about the speedy trip on the back of a boda (African motorcycle), because while that was terrifyingly fast and Tom wished it to slow down, often times things here move slowly and we wish they would move faster. As a very apt example, as I was walking in an international airport last week, I often found myself stuck behind groups of people walking at a much slower pace than I would have chosen or expected.  I found myself waiting for an opening, so that I might quickly get by and go at my own, faster pace.

We have changed though.  We have slowed down during our life on the islands. We don’t come to a day with the same expectations that we did when we first arrived. One of our colleagues here was talking about a short-termer who struggles with not getting much done each day. She came from being a terribly efficient person in her western home country with a packed schedule. Now she sits around talking to people, learning language and making friends, and feels like she isn’t getting anything done. We gave our usual advice for people new to the islands— set low expectations for each day. Plan on getting one thing done in the morning, one thing done in the afternoon.  If you get to more, great! If not, great! Because ultimately it isn’t in our control. I might want to speed around and get a lot of things done but an errand at an office (that seems like it should take 5 minutes) might take hours. I might have to wait a long time and then learn I have to come back another day. I might plan to do something and then have an unexpected visitor that talks for a long time before eventually coming to the reason they came (if they had one).

Slowly, slowly sugar crystals form rock candy!

But even if it was all in my control and I could rush and get lots done, those proverbs tell us that islanders don’t see that as a good thing. I have had islanders comment a few times on the speed I walk. If I am walking by myself, going somewhere on an errand for example, it’s not conscious but I walk much faster than islanders would. They ask me if everything is okay? Am I in a hurry? One islander talked about how foreigners are always walking by so fast, so they don’t greet the people they pass properly or thoroughly enough.

It is still a challenge sometimes to slow myself down and to be content with the slower speed. I have one island friend that walks very slowly and it takes a lot of conscious effort to walk at her speed.  But I have to remind myself that this is what I am doing right now, I am walking with my friend, so I can take all the time needed for that, even if that is slowly, slowly.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We made it back safely to Clove Island with our daughter’s refrigerated meds! Thanks for praying. Our colleague’s toddler daughter had an encouraging report from her scans and is able to cut back on a lot of her meds and was released from the hospital.  Our teammate will be able to work at the hospital and was able to meet the island woman that she will be working closely with, still waiting to negotiate all the expectations. Tom has been able to study with Muki and his son Mtsa several times. Our island sister on the small island has continued to stand strong. A new worker has arrived safely on the big island and started orientation. 


PRAYERS REQUESTED
One of our good friends and former colleagues is visiting the islands this week, pray that her short time would encourage all those that she is able to reconnect with (including us!). The heat has definitely increased— pray for our stamina and energy levels as we head into the hotter, more humid season. Next month we will be going to the small island to help run the orientation for the new team starting there, pray for us as we coordinate with the team leaders and plan that time. Pray also that we would know the best way to travel to the small island (there are no direct flights right now, so the airline makes people pay double to go via the big island). One brother on Clove Island just lost his aunt (who was also his defender before the rest of his family), pray that he would be comforted and strengthen his relationship with the rest of his family during this time of grief.

A Terrifying Lesson in Bodas

We have been traveling the past few weeks.  Our responsibilities have taken us to a few different countries where we’ve had the challenge and the pleasure of interacting with people of different cultures.  For the most part it has been a great blessing to listen, to learn and try to understand different perspectives.  It can be challenging, but well worth the challenge, to learn to see the world in a new way.

Island moto driver with passenger

Usually such things take time.  It is through repeated conversations and talking together over meals or cups of coffee and tea that you begin to appreciate the differences and understand the other’s culture.  But there are some things that can be a sort of high speed experience that leads to new understanding—specifically I’m talking about a boda ride.

On the islands, many people have motorcylces.  It is a major means of transportation.  Tom has often been a passenger on one in order to be able to get to trainings on the far side of the island.  Riding on the back of a motorcycle is not a new experience.  But in East Africa, you can get a motorcycle taxi to take you places—it’s called a boda.  You can even book it on Uber.  Traffic in  this East African capital is often terrible.  Getting across town at rush hour to pick up your daughter’s medication is a nightmare.  Suddenly, the idea of a boda looks like a great solution.  Destination: Hospital—and in no time, Bonface, the boda driver, has pulled up to the curb and off we go.  

Things you should know about boda drivers.  They don’t stop for red lights, they just weave through them. They see sidewalks as a completely valid path to their destination.  The emergency lane need only be two feet wide to be considered a viable through way.  All of these I found completely terrifying to experience as a passenger.  

Together with all our kids

Bonface would weave through the traffic like a snake through the grass, somehow avoiding hitting side view mirrors every time (how he did this I’m still not sure as I thought we would surely hit them every time).  As we zipped down that two foot space of emergency lane, crunching over gravel and narrowly avoiding wing mirrors, I looked down into the deep concrete ditch by the side of the road that I would surely go flying into if Bonface made a mistake.  Most terrifying of all was taking the long curve onto the bridge.  Bonface leaned into the curve.  I leaned out—thinking about those motorcycle racers who drag their heavily padded knees on the track when taking the tight turns and looking at my own knees only covered by a thin pair of jeans and wanting them as far away from the pavement as possible.

Bonface dropped me off at the hospital in a quarter of the time it would have taken in a taxi.  His demeanor was indifferent—not as if he had just tempted death multiple times, but more like the bored look of the amusement park operator, who lets you out after the roller coaster ride, “Sure, you’re excited, but I do this all day.  Don’t forget to collect all your belongings.”

As I walked, slightly unstably toward the hospital entrance, I thought about how this was probably an experience an American would never have—never be allowed to have—in the States.  I wasn’t troubled that it took a little while to get the medicine we had ordered.  It gave me a chance to settle down a bit before the return boda ride.

Before I mounted the back of Martin’s boda I told him, “I’m not in a hurry.  No need to go fast fast.”  He laughed.  He did seem to take it a little slower, but made ample use of the sidewalk.  I felt like yelling out to pedestrians, “Sorry” but judging by their demeanors, this was just the way things are, and even if I am still not completely comfortable, I now have a much greater appreciation and understanding of this new culture of boda driving!

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We are thankful that all our travels have gone smoothly. We are thankful for a wonderful weekend with all our kids and one of their friends.  We are very relieved and thankful that we were able to get a 3 month supply of our daughter’s medications (something that took over a week with lots of phone calls where the outcome was uncertain several times). We are thankful to work with an organization that values partnership and working interculturally. Our sisters on Clove Island were able to meet and study together, though not all were able to make it. Our teammate has heard that she can begin work at the hospital!

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray for our teammate as she negotiates the terms and expectations of her volunteer work at the hospital. Continue to pray for our colleagues’ toddler— she has her follow-up scan to see if the intense treatment she has been doing has had a positive effect. We continue to pray for her healing and for her family in this exhausting ordeal. Pray for our travels and adjustment back to Clove Island. We will be traveling with some our daughter’s refrigerated medications (so she won’t have to bring them at the end of her school term). Pray that we wouldn’t have any trouble at airport security traveling with a cold bag. One of our island sister’s daughters has come down with horrible dental problems— pray for a relief from pain and for an easy solution to her problems (the islands only has very basic dentistry services). Continue to pray for our island sister on the small island who continues to face scrutiny and persecution— pray that she would remain encouraged and persevere!

Entering Marriage

 Islanders sometimes get married very quickly. Sometimes they don’t even know their future spouse because it was arranged by family members. Or sometimes, the initial conversation of interest proceeds directly to a marriage.

It has troubled us in the past, how often a prospective bride/groom hasn’t been able to answer basic questions about their spouse, the most fundamental of which is: “Are they a good person?”

An island bride and groom

I have often expressed concern in these situations. One time I was really strong in my misgivings. Our island friend was rushing into a marriage with a foreigner and there were red flags and bad circumstances all around. But every time I pressed my concerns to her mother, the answer was “Well, she’ll just divorce him. If it ends up bad, she’ll just divorce him.”

They did end up getting married. It was a sham of a marriage and they divorced.

On the islands, divorce is common. I think islanders still hope for long lasting marriages, but divorce happens a lot and there is a not much stigma stopping you from divorcing if that’s what you want.

As we were arriving back on the islands last month, there was another marriage in the works. We were only on the outskirts of it, not being close with either of the parties, but several of our friends and coworkers were quite involved and contacted us, looking to talk things through and perhaps get some advice or at least prayers.

On the surface it was a wonderful thing, a known island sister and a known island brother wanted to get married! We pray for more godly marriages on the islands, so this seems like an answer to prayer!

But from our perspective, they were rushing into it. They lived on different islands. They had both been married in the past. They hadn’t talked about where they would live, or what their married life might look like. They hadn’t even been an established couple when the idea of getting married was mentioned, and yet they were going to marry within days.

Our colleagues were trying to ask for caution, to slow things down. They mentioned ideas like premarital counseling, but this is a very foreign idea to islanders.  In fact at least one respected island brother was advising the couple to get married as soon as possible. The sentiment I heard was “that’s how islanders do it.” You get married and figure it out afterwards.

Now, we don’t want to be paternalistic and there are western traditions of going about marriage that are also flawed. But my mind went back to that previous bad island marriage to which I was close and I thought, is the reason that islanders feel okay rushing into marriage because divorce is seen as such an easy out?  So we advised others to warn the couple that the expectation in a godly marriage is that you are making a lifelong commitment and that there should be a lot of prayer for guidance, unity and clarity before moving forward.  

Ultimately, the wedding was delayed. Perhaps not long enough to make everyone comfortable—they waited at least another week or two! But there was at least time for some discussion, a bit of reflection and a lot of prayer.

Traveling in taxi from airport

We long for strong island marriages transformed by the good news.  But culture is complicated.  Clearly it is not just island marriages that need transformation, but pre-marriage as well.  This will not look like it does in America, but we hope and pray that over time and through practice, this too will be transformed into a process that is good, thoughtful and blessed.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We are thankful for Islanders who have embraced the good news marrying one another.  This is certainly an answer to our prayers.  All of our travels went smoothly.  God even watched over us when Megan forgot her phone at check-in and got it back promptly and when Tom realized a passport had fallen out of his pocket before exiting the plane.  Both of these could have been a real headache, but God is good.  (We also are thankful for the realization that we travel better when we’re together.)  Our daughter’s doctor’s appointment went well, with the confirmation that the current treatment is helping and she will soon be able to be completely off steroids.  

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray for this new marriage, that God would bless it and help them to love one another well as they navigate a new life together.  Pray for our stamina through long days of meetings—there are important subjects being discussed about the future of our organization in the region.  Continue to pray for our colleagues whose toddler daughter is being treated for a serious medical condition.  She is undergoing treatment now and will have more testing done on the 16th of October.  Pray that the tests will reveal complete recovery.  We will get to spend a few days with all our kids over next weekend.  Pray that we might have meaningful times together. Our daughter’s current treatment is working, but it looks to be difficult to get the medication— pray that we would find a consistent way to get the meds she needs. Pray that the sisters on Clove Island would meet this week after a long break from their monthly gatherings.