Challenging Words

 Challenging someone can be tricky. Add a different culture and differences in status or power and it becomes quite difficult to do well, especially when preserving the relationship is a high priority.

Parents/Teachers Meeting- parent speaks

We were faced with just such a situation this week and as we were contemplating about how to proceed in respectful way and in a way where the person would actually listen, God provided an interesting window into how islanders themselves communicate challenging things. It came through a parents/teachers meeting.

I wouldn’t have known about the meeting if I hadn’t gone to the school to check about the first day of school. “There is a meeting for parents— this afternoon at 3pm!” At around 4pm I joined a crowd of parents and the meeting started. The whole meeting ended up being a long series of examples of islanders speaking challenging words.

Reading class rosters for back to school

First, it was the administrators challenging the parents— drop-off and pick-up your kids on time, make sure your kids study, make sure their school uniforms are clean, etc. The handful of points took over an hour to communicate. Second, the parents were given the floor and several parents presented their complaints or proposals for improvement—the school needs to communicate better, don’t let motorcycles in front of the school, help kids catching taxis home, show some grace to parents that are running a little late.

The whole meeting was in the local language and while I didn’t always catch all the details or understand all the jokes, I did observe and learn a number of things about how islanders framed their challenging words in order to ease their reception.

If I were to turn my observations into a how-to guide it would be this:

1. Start by thanking everyone and acknowledge specific reasons you are thankful for how they fulfill their roles well.
2. Talk about the principles behind your complaint or challenge. (Don’t go straight into dirty school uniforms—talk about the need for respect in school and the importance of the school’s image and its standing in the community. Don’t talk about the motorcycles in front of school— talk about the importance of safety and how much you love your kids and don’t want to see them hurt.)
3. Tell a story that illustrates your point or the need for change. Make it dramatic and retell the key points multiple times. (For example, the story of a kid being left with the school principal until midnight because both parents didn’t realize the other hadn’t picked her up. Emphasis on the long hours, the child’s sobbing tears and her sense of abandonment. All to support the coming point— don’t be late picking up your kids.)
4. Finally make your point or proposal. You can be direct and commanding.
5. Afterwards generically apologize in case you have ever offended anyone (this can be done at the beginning too) and/or concede some truth to the other side of the story before redoubling your own proposal, re-referencing the dramatic story and principles. (You realize it is easier to drive your motorcycle up the alley to the school entrance, but it isn’t safe for all the kids walking!)
6. Thank everyone again for the opportunity to speak and then sit down.
   

It was amazing how closely each person followed this basic pattern. The meeting was getting close to 2 hours long and parents were grumbling about going home, when the administration said they had just one more thing to say and proceeded to drop the most controversial point (and in my mind the main reason the parents meeting was called): They were increasing the school fees.

They started by again thanking everyone for coming and for caring about their kids’ education, they talked about how important education is, they told stories about how much prices are going up across the board and then they gave the new prices, they apologized and admitted it would be hard on parents but it was a necessity.

Our son made breakfast mandazis!

They did the steps for easing the news, but that didn’t stop the meeting from ending in an uproar and lots of people upset. I guess the reception of some difficult things can only be eased so much!

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Our younger son and a teammate were ill this past week with tummy troubles, but thankfully both are doing much better. Megan injured her knee hiking over the weekend, but again we are thankful for God’s protection that it wasn’t serious and she is already walking without pain and that it didn’t hurt her back! One of our colleagues needed to travel off island but hadn’t received the necessary visa in time— many prayed and she was allowed on the plane and in the country on arrival! Praise for different stories of islanders filled with excitement for reading and studying the good book.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray that we would grow in our ability to say challenging things in a way that can be heard and appreciated! The rice shortage continues— we continue to pray for relief and more shipments of rice to both come and be distributed fairly. Two of our colleagues are at a conference in mainland Africa for medical workers— may it be refreshing and encouraging to the work of the medical team here on Clove Island. Pray for Tom as he considers how to encourage island brothers towards greater growth and community. Pray the monthly women’s gathering would still happen in spite of one of the main organizers not being around. Our younger son is starting local school this week— pray that he would remember and become more comfortable in French so he can understand well and find school less stressful. Pray he would be a light to his classmates. Our daughter has a midterm break this coming weekend— we are sad that we won’t be able to be with her, but thankful that another family invited her to join them. Pray that she has a safe trip and restful break from school.