Rude Conversation?

 I was walking down the sidewalk along the busy main road on my way to check if a shop nearby had something I needed. On one corner there were a number of people sitting on a stoop— some selling produce, others waiting for a bus or just sitting and people-watching. 

An older lady greeted me with warmth and I could tell by the way that she looked at me that she thought she knew me, though I didn’t recognize her. Not knowing if I had met her once and just forgotten her face, I made a point to return her warm greeting. Then she asked me, “How’s the baby?” and I immediately realized that she didn’t know me. She thought I was another like-minded foreign lady that lives on the island who has a small baby. 

Our 'baby' is almost 13!

It is a pretty common occurrence that we are mistaken for other light-skinned foreigners. We don’t necessarily have to look anything like each other— there are just so few foreigners that some islanders can assume we are the same person. In this situation, the mother with the young baby has brown hair and wears glasses like me, so it was an easy mistake. 

“That’s not me. I don’t have a baby,” I said with a smile and was about to keep walking when the man sitting next to the old lady, interjected loudly and with some vehemence, “That’s not good! You should have babies!” 

While his loud rebuke was a little surprising, we have been on the islands long enough that the sentiment is not shocking. Islanders believe that marrying and having children is a religious obligation. Everyone is supposed to have babies. 

So I was quick to tell him and the small group of people all keyed into the conversation, that I had three children, but they had all grown big, so I didn’t have any babies anymore. Most of the group nodded their heads and accepted this greater insight into my family status. I was about to walk away again, I was actually in a bit of rush to get to the shop and back home, when the man burst out for one more retort, “Three is not very many. You should have more! Three isn’t enough.”

I ended the conversation by saying that it is all in God’s hands and went on my way to the shop.

As I reflected on the conversation later, it did strike me that it would have been a very rude interaction if it had happened in the West. Even on the islands it was a little rude to say such things to a complete stranger and not taking into consideration that I could be trying to have children but having fertility issues (something that brings a lot of shame to women on the islands). 

Tom and friend at wedding (he has 14 kids!)

But, if he had known me and if I was willingly avoiding marriage or pregnancy, then it wouldn’t be seen as rude at all. Indeed,  it struck me that his sentiments and his willingness to yell them at a foreigner passing by on the road come from the idea that there is one accepted view on the topic. 

This is not a pluralistic place— islanders expect and generally accept that there is one way to view most issues. The details might change— for example, when we first came we were always told that women should try to have 8 kids (4 boys, 4 girls), more recently it has been more common to hear that 4 is enough (2 of each). But whatever the details, at the heart, islanders expect there to be one right way. 

So this man had no trouble yelling his advice for my life because it isn’t controversial. The other people who were listening didn’t correct or contradict him because they most likely agreed with what he said, even if they weren’t going to be so bold. 

To be honest, this wasn’t that unique of an interaction. Generally,islanders don’t mind being bold, even on personal topics,if they feel they are in the right.  As we’ve been on the islands for so many years some of this has worn off on us. We’ve gotten a lot more bold in sharing our beliefs and views, but let’s hope we retain humility and tact to still speak with gentleness and love at the same time. 

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We’ve been using an electric zapper and burning mosquito coils to stay on top of mosquitos. Our friends on the French Island are finally back in their house, following repairs from the cyclone that hit in December. Megan’s skin biopsy came back clear. Megan got to study with Hashiri again and correct some misunderstandings she has had. Tom continues to study with Muki and Mtsa, they are almost done with another book. 

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray for our kids as they go into their exam week at boarding school and as they travel home. We are hoping they can make a same day connection from the big island— pray for safe travels and that their international flight gets in earlier enough for the afternoon domestic flight on Saturday. Pray for our colleague trying to have a medical procedure down in mainland Africa, her appointment was canceled because of protests in the city and she is supposed to fly out to tomorrow. Pray for our teammate as she has her final week on the island before heading home for four months. Keep praying for Megan’s back as she tries to be more proactive with PT stretches to hopefully encourage recovery. Pray for the women as they gather this week— we’ve heard that there may be some tensions in the group—may any needed discussion, repentance and/or forgiveness happen. A colleague from the small island is hoping to visit our island via boat this week— pray for calm seas so she can make it here safely.