Wedding Negotiations

After negotiations- all smiles

Ma Riziki came to visit. She shared about all the illness going around and commiserated with me on our youngest getting sick. There was a lull in the conversation and she leaned forward and lowered her voice and said with a sly grin, “We are marrying someone.” (A active phrase that says you are marrying off a child or grandchild.) I know her family well and there were several possibilities, so I asked the obvious follow-up question. “Tsanu!” she told me.

Tsanu is one of her sons, probably in his 20’s but responsible and with a steady job. He has always been a friend to us with a quick genuine smile and wave whenever we see him. I was happy to hear that he had found someone.

“You will come with us on Friday to the village of the bride!” Ma Riziki continued to explain. I expressed my surprise that he was getting married so quickly, but then she explained, “No, the wedding will come after. This Friday is just the discussions.” She went on to list a handful of family members that would be going to the village. It didn’t sound like a big group. Then I realized, this wasn’t a wedding event, this was the negotiations for the wedding and I would be helping to represent the groom’s family. I was honored. This wasn’t anything I had ever been asked to participate in. This was for close family. So even though the timing wasn’t ideal, I agreed.

Father of groom addresses group

Weddings on the islands can be complex. At the base a wedding might be two individuals coming together, but it is also two families coming together. Perhaps “coming together” gives the wrong impression, it is actually rather transactional. There is a give and take at weddings. There is an event where the bride’s family sends a parade of gifts to the groom’s family. The groom’s family provides an answering event where they parade the gold jewelry for the bride. Many of the wedding events are hosted by the bride’s side and the groom’s family is loaded with flower necklaces and honor. All of this is very public and easily observable by even a beginner visitor to the islands. But there is one transaction that I’ve never seen take place— the bride price. In fact if you had asked me some years ago, I probably would have told you that it doesn’t exist on the islands, but in fact one of the first transactions to be negotiated for a wedding is how much the groom’s family will pay for the bride.

Not that this was Ma Riziki’s primary concern going into the negotiations. Her concern was that she wanted Tsanu married before the month of fasting. She was excited to not have another mouth to feed during the month when big dinners are expected every night. Fasting begins in April, so she wanted him married off as soon as possible.

By the time we arrived at the village, we were escorted into a small square room, with almost no furniture and no mat on the ground. These were not rich families. But the floor was well swept and a few chairs were brought out. The rest sat on the floor. Ultimately there were about 20 people in the room, over 2/3 were men. Neither the bride nor groom were present. The groom hadn’t even come to the village with us. A quick prayer was followed by an opening speech by the groom’s father, declaring his son’s desire to marry their daughter. The bride’s representative then gave a speech, honoring and thanking everyone and asking for equivalent of $650. Various men from the groom’s side responded with thoughts about what type of wedding should be done, quietly accepting the demanded price without discussion. (Later on in the crowded ride home, I heard several declare that it was a very reasonable price.) It was all very calm. Points were generally made passively or indirectly, and everyone stayed friendly. When there was disagreement, more people spoke and brought about consensus. Less than 20 minutes after the negotiations began, we were honored with flower necklaces, given the customary goodie-bag of a soda and snacks, and led outside to take pictures with the future bride. It was over and everyone was smiles and congratulations!

Future bride (in green) exits for pictures with future in-laws

At least most of the people were happy…towards the beginning Ma Riziki had made her request. She talked about how good it is for a man to be settled into his new home and with his new bride for the month of fasting. Unfortunately her request was quickly pushed aside as the bride’s family admitted that there was no room ready for the new couple to live in and it was just too fast to get everything ready. Other members of the groom’s family quickly sided with the bride’s family and Ma Riziki was left disappointed. They will get married this summer, so I guess Ma Riziki will still have an extra mouth to feed for awhile.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Both our youngest and our teammate are feeling better after their bouts with the fever virus plaguing so many here. Thankfully no one else in the family or team has gotten sick with it. Our downstairs neighbors successfully navigated the bureaucracy to legally travel to the French Island for medical treatment. They arrived this morning! We survived our week without Tom, though we were hit with several unusual difficulties (electricity issues, illnesses, accidents and surprise events). Tom made it safely back this morning! He has come back from his conference with lots of new ideas to ponder and potentially implement and new connections to build on.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Our downstairs neighbor will take her daughter to the hospital on the French Island tomorrow. Pray that she could get answers about the respiratory problems that have plagued her daughter and for healing. Pray for our youngest’s full recovery— after fevers passed he was hit with a nasty ear infection.Pray for the continued distribution of the proverb calendars, that they would have a good impact. This upcoming weekend all the island workers will gather on the big island— pray that it would be a fruitful time of mutual encouragement and strategizing together. We only have a month left on the island before heading to the States for six months— pray for us as we try to hand off our responsibilities and make all the necessary preparations. Pray for us as we discuss and pray about some of the ideas Tom encountered at the conference, including our role in mobilizing Africans to reach other Africans.