What If I’m Being Had

 We had caught him in a lie. It was blatant and his attempts to cover it up with more lies discouraged us further. Were we wrong about this guy? How deep do his lies and pretending go? Is he just trying to use us for what he can get from us? 

Sunset on Clove Island

 

As we’ve written about numerous times in numerous blogs—money and relationships are intertwined in island life.  Rather than seeing money as something that gets in the way of relationships, it is seen as something that enhances them.  It is taken for granted that friendship has many benefits, and if that doesn’t include potential financial benefits—well then it’s not much of a friendship.  

That’s not to say that islanders don’t recognize that friendships that are only and all about money are false.  They understand the phrase, “He only loved me for my money.”  And they agree that that’s not good.  But a phrase like, “He partially loves me for my money,” would probably be acceptable to island ears (not that I’ve ever heard anyone say that).  It’s just taken for granted that relationships come with benefits and those benefits are seen to strengthen the relationship.

We haven’t decided if this is truly a good thing or a bad thing or just a different thing.  One could make the case that it comes from a misunderstanding of love that goes right up to the top.  If you see God as loving you only for what you can contribute.  Or if you see yourself as paying your way to an audience through ritual prayers, perhaps there is an assumed transactional nature to all relationships that reflects a warped understanding.  A true understanding reminds us that we are loved for who we are—or considering our sinful state—who we are meant to be—not for what we have done or achieved.  This relationship cannot be bought or earned.  Neither can it be approached with the attitude of “What am I going to get from this?”  Such attitudes worship the blessing and not the blesser.

On the other hand, it is impossible to remove from a relationship the acts of giving and receiving—often in the forms of gifts—gifts that cost a great deal.  God says He will provide our daily needs.  It’s part of the relationship.  We delight in serving Him and giving Him praise and glory and thanks.  It’s part of the relationship.  We give Him our money too (often in the form of a tithe).  He gives us so much more—providing for us again and again all that we need.  We feel no qualms in asking Him for things.  He delights in giving us good gifts. 

But what happens when it comes down to the here and now?  Most islanders see us as rich. We live in a comfortable house, we have enough to eat, we have health insurance and can send our kids to boarding school.  Some of our island friends don’t have enough to eat on a regular basis.  Accidents and sickness are major financial crises.  Sending kids to a local private school is a real strain on their budget.  From an islander perspective:  

Our kids watching sunset on last night together

Wouldn’t it be great to be friends with Tom & Megan?  Think of all the benefits!  And if you like to read stories, they will make time for you and read with you!  They’ll give you things to eat and help you out when you’re in need… 

Yet we know that there are also many people searching for something else—not money, but life.  They too are coming and wanting relationship with us.  The longer we’ve lived here, the easier it seems to be able to tell the difference, but that doesn’t mean we know for sure.  And so there is can be that doubt that lingers…What if they are just in it for the benefits?

But that’s not a very helpful thought.  We prefer to remember something Hudson Taylor and his wife used to say:  “Better to be had, than hard.”  People come with all sorts of motives.  We can think of a good friend who ended up finding and embracing the truth when he was originally just interested in a girl.  So, we try not to worry about their motives, and instead hope for a transformed heart.

Let the homeschool year begin!

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We had a wonderful vacation time with our two older kids.  It has come to an end and they are on their way back to school this week, but we are thankful for all the good days we got to spend with them.  Tom had that tough conversation with a friend.  It went pretty well.  Let’s hope for good to come from it.   Megan’s studies with a friend continue on and she shows interest in learning more and applying it to her life.  

PRAYERS REQUESTED 
Our youngest is starting homeschool again and the older two will start their classes next week.  Pray for a good start to the school year.  Our friend and colleague continues to work hard to prepare for the launch of the new ferry boat business between the islands.  Keep praying that an experienced boat captain and/or mechanic could be found to join the work even short-term.  We’ve heard of a few promising leads! (Let us know if you know someone!).  Pray that we would neither be “had” nor “hard”, and if we are had, to forgive, and if we have become hard, to soften.  Most importantly pray that false motives might be transformed and hearts be changed.  Pray for Megan’s back.  She has not been doing too well and will see the doctor while taking the kids back to school.  Pray for our daughter to continue to be in good health as she goes for a check up with her rheumatologist.  Pray for healing for both of them. 

Honor and Shame of Exams

 Island students have to deal with a lot of pressure-filled exams. At the age of 6, they start taking the exams at the end of each school year which decide if you go on to the next grade or not. They keep students in a grade until they pass, meaning sometimes a few kids will tower over the rest in their grade because they are several years older than the other students. 

Tom with successful student at celebration

These every year exams are one thing, but there are three times in the life of an island student when the exams are a really big deal. The three exams are going from primary school to jr. high, jr high to high school, and high school to university. These are high-stress events— with parents asking for prayers for their kids months in advance. The whole school year of these three exam years include increased intensity and extra tutoring sessions. 

The most difficult is the Bac (the internationally recognized exam which allows students to go to university). Only about 20% of islanders usually pass the exam outright, with another 20-25% passing after having to complete a second round of oral exams (because their first round results were borderline). 

The results are announced on the public radio. Everyone you know is listening as each names is called out over the radio followed by their score. If you passed outright or made it to the second round, then you’ll hear your name. If you failed, you will listen until the end and never hear your name. If you don’t pass, everyone knows it, and your life is basically on hold. It’s a barrier and you can’t move forward until you succeed. 

We didn’t turn on a radio on results day, but the whole neighborhood was quiet and we could hear the broadcast being blasted by others. It takes a long time to get through all the names and we weren’t listening closely, but all of a sudden a cheer went out from our neighbors. Our next-door neighbor had passed! We went out on our porch and caught her eye and yelled our congratulations, while other neighbors came over to share in the joy. 

Megan & our daughter at neighbor celebration

Another student came to us the night after the announcements with his mom and a backpack full of sodas. It is island tradition that when someone passes a big exam that they will gift anyone who comes to give their congratulations a soda! He honored us by coming to us with 5 sodas and not waiting for us to come to him. 

A few days after the results, another student’s parents had a short prayer of thanks at their house to celebrate, giving all those who came a goody-bag with soda and snacks. A week later our neighbor had an event with hours of chanting their holy book, including snacks and ending with an elaborate meal, to both honor their daughter’s success and to show their gratitude to God. Students come to our English club, announce their success in order to receive everyone’s congratulations. We try to honor and congratulate these students, while also emphasizing thankfulness to God.  

Meanwhile there are those that didn’t hear their names. I’ve heard that several people don’t even listen to the broadcast or won’t listen around other people, because they can’t handle the shame of possibly not hearing their name in front of everyone. The parents of these students pull us aside and tell us quietly that they didn’t pass, partially I think so we don’t ask the student themselves.  In these cases, we’ll repeatedly hear “Next year, God willing.” We don’t tend to see these students again in person for awhile. 

Another one of our next door neighbors didn’t pass her exam to go into high school this year. We haven’t seen her since the results were announced. Her mom says she doesn’t want to see anyone. She’s ashamed and upset because she had worked hard and studied. Her cousin is the one who passed the Bac and she didn’t even go to the celebration. It doesn’t seem like her mom has any words of comfort for her beyond telling her “Next year, God willing.” We wish she would come out and we could let her know that God loves her and hasn’t forsaken her, that there is more to her life and worth than whether or not she passed an exam.

We rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn, and we pray for both those who succeed and those who fail to realize that life is about more than just exams. 

Anniversary hike-- 22 yrs!

PRAYERS ANSWERED
The first monthly men’s gathering was a success with several men in attendance. We got news that Ma Imani’s medical treatment abroad is going well so far— we continue to pray for her healing. We celebrated 22 years of marriage and found a new hike to mark the occasion. We were thankful that the hike ended with a nice view and that the trail never got too treacherous. We’re thankful that Megan’s back (which hasn’t been in a good place for the past couple months) did well on the hike as well. 

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Tom needs to have a tough conversation with an island friend— confronting dishonesty. Pray that Tom could do that in a way that speaks the truth in love and maintains relationship while also making it clear that honesty is essential to us and before God. Our friend and colleague is working hard to prepare the launch of a new ferry boat business between the islands. They have had some expat personnel fall through and so a lot more of the hands-on boat work is falling on him. Pray that an experienced boat captain and/or mechanic could be found to join the work even short-term (let us know if you know someone!).   We have one more full week on the islands with our two older kids before they have to go back to school— pray that we’d have some good family time, while also getting errands done, including routine blood work for our daughter and some new clothes for our growing son. We continue to pray for those that took exams this year— that those who didn’t pass would be comforted and for those that passed their Bac and are making plans for university. 

Social Media Mediation

 It all started when one of the members of our English Club’s mother passed away.  An announcement was made on our English Club WhatsApp chat.   It was suggested that we could all meet at the local place of prayer and then go over to the house of the bereaved family to offer condolences.  In response to that, my good friend, Fakhadi (he’s the one that acts and talks like a modern day Pharisee) wrote a seemingly innocent, but actually a provocative message to the group.  

Tom teaching English class

“I’m not really sure our teacher knows how to recite from [our book].  This way of praying to Almighty is different from what he knows.”  

As a Westerner reading this, it may make you uncomfortable because it speaks so openly about religion, but that’s not actually the issue.  The issue is one of shame.  He is drawing attention to the fact that I will not be joining them in their prayers (something most everyone was probably already aware of) and so attempting to bring shame on me in front of the group.  Perhaps this shaming seems as subtle to you as it did to me, but let me tell you, it was not taken this way in the group.

From my perspective, I actually welcomed the question.  Anytime I can distinguish myself from the surrounding faith is an opportunity.  So I was very happy to explain that I would not be joining for prayers, and I am not a follower of their faith, but I am a friend and I would like to join in visiting the bereaved family and showing love and care.  I thought that would be the end of it.  

At celebration with English students

But the next morning when I checked my messages, it became apparent that others had decided to chime in.  If Fakhadi meant to subtly shame me with his question, these others meant to both defend my honor and openly shame Fakhadi. Fakhadi was quick to defend himself.  A battle of words ensued. I won’t put all the back and forth, but here are a few of the responses (be aware that these are English students, so sometimes they make mistakes):

 - “I myself was offended but I don't know if Mr. Tom was offended I really cried I cried a lot when I saw your message😭😭😭😭
- I just thought to myself why he posted this message for what purpose” 

- “[Fakhadi] in everything you think that you are on the right way but, I can swear that you are lost far away this time , you exaggerated. 
- If you feel that Tom didn't feel offended for us other we find your words disrespectful and offended.”

A few others joined in, trying to bring reconciliation, or just saying, “Let’s talk about something else,” or just telling Fakhadi to stop. But Fakhadi was offended and his last message read:

“For now on, I won't write anything or say anything at all in this group. Now you can have peace! 🤐”

By the time I read all these messages, the argument had already come to an end, but it didn’t feel too late to write something.  So prayerfully I responded:

- “This makes me very sad. 😔 I hope, [Fakhadi], that you will not leave the group. This group should be a place where people ask questions and discuss with respect.  I think some of the things said to [Fakhadi] were not respectful.  I think you were trying to defend me, which is very kind, but don't worry, I am fine.  And in your desire to defend me, you have attacked [Fakhadi]. That is not good. Words can be like swords.  They can hurt.  I ask you, please put your swords away.  🙏🏼

Our 13 year old!

I would ask, if you have a problem with someone, write your message privately, not to the group.  That is more respectful.  In the group, let us talk about ideas and opinions about ideas. 👍🏼
Let us not talk about people and opinions about people. 👎🏼

I love all of you and want the English Club to be a place for making friends, not losing them.  So let's forgive one another and start again.”

There have been no further messages in the group since then, except for a few 🙏 ❤️ emojis.  One man came up to me personally and apologized for his rant.  I accepted and reminded him how easy it is to say something in a message that we would never say to someone face to face.  It reminds me that posts and messages, no matter what the language, can be such a temptation for our tongues (or our thumbs) to set a forest on fire.  But there is also an opportunity for us in these interactions and their aftermath to be a witness for the light and for peace. 

PRAYERS ANSWERED Our colleagues (a family) on the medical team returned to Clove Island safely after several months away in the their home country. Women’s gathering was well attended last week. A plan for a monthly men’s gathering has come together. Our youngest son turned 13! We had a nice celebration and are thankful for him and how he is growing and maturing and for all the ways he makes us smile.  We are thankful for all the ways we get to shine, whether in a Whatsapp group, at a funeral, or at a celebration for passing an exam.  Tom’s studies with Muki and Mtsa continue to go well. Tom has started a new English Class that has been encouraging.  Megan continues to meet with Hashiri, who continues to ask good, and sometimes perplexing questions.  Our daughter’s health continues to be good, despite people with coughs and colds around her.


PRAYERS REQUESTED
The first men’s gathering will happen on Wednesday— pray that this could start a pattern of island brothers meeting together and going deep with each other.  Pray that  they would show up!  Pray that they would learn to trust one another and learn to love the word that has been translated into their own
language.  Pray that they would feel equipped to share that word with others.  MaNadjma has shared with us that her daughter has been having a persistent health concern that hasn’t been going away with medication. Pray for her healing.  The summer is flying by, which means so is our time with our kids.  Pray that we could continue to balance family time and island life.  Pray that our daughter would continue to be illness free so that her meds can reach their full potential.  Pray that she would be free of her rheumatoid arthritis.

Reciprocating

 “We just got gifted another papaya!” 

Last of the papaya & new gift!

We had to laugh. We had been eating papaya with every meal for days and were just finishing the last of it off. But it seemed that papaya was still on the menu for awhile! It’s not that we don’t like papaya— but it can ripen quickly and even slightly overripe papaya is not our favorite. So we try to eat it quickly when we get it. This was a our fourth papaya in a row! Most had been gifts from the two guys that Tom studies with regularly. 

Island relationships can sometimes feel very transactional. We know that most times when someone is befriending us, it is because they are hoping to receive something from us beyond just friendship. Sometimes it is status or connections, sometimes it is tangible or monetary help, sometimes it is knowledge or information.  

Transactional means that when we help someone with their English or give them some food or money or even study the good news with them, that they often feel like they want or need to give back to us in some way. 

We help out Ma Riziki with food and simple medicines fairly regularly, so she will gift us mataba (the local dish of crushed cassava leaves cooked in coconut milk) whenever she happens to be making it.  Two ladies in our neighborhood gifted us with lots of baked goods on the same week because we had helped them in the past and that week there was a big event for which they had been baking. Muki has eaten breakfast at our house most days for awhile, but when he noticed that Tom liked plants, he started gifting Tom with different seedlings and soil.  If a village’s English exams coincide with any kind of harvest, then Tom will come home from proctoring the exams with a bag of fruit or veggies for us to enjoy. We teach English to a wealthy doctor and so now we get invited to fancy meals at his house and he insists we get any services at his clinic at cost.

The idea of relationships being transactional is uncomfortable for many Westerners, but islanders have no problems with it. In every good island relationship, there is supposed to be a give and take. Wedding attendance and the money given at weddings is so transactional that they take video footage of the money lines and record how much each person gave in a notebook, partially so they know how to reciprocate when it is that person’s wedding. Sometimes islanders who live in Europe get Westernized and forget or ignore the expectations. I have heard islanders complain when, for example, an islander visiting from Europe doesn’t reciprocate in the correct fashion. In island understanding, they host the visiting islander—cooking, cleaning and welcoming them, with the understanding that the visitor will be bringing gifts of electronics and/or cash from abroad (not to mention potentially helping with school fees or paying for home improvement projects).  

Last of baked goods & new gift!

We know that we don’t always get it right, but most of the time we are giving willingly and it is actually the receiving that makes us uncomfortable— because we don’t get to choose how someone reciprocates. Sometimes we are gifted things we don’t really enjoy or something of which we already have plenty.  But we’ve learned enough to know that we don’t say that to the person giving. Often, the gifts we receive are coming from people who are poor and they are giving what they can, so we accept with a smile and many thanks— it is their way of giving toward our relationship (and if we end up not using or re-gifting their gift, they don’t need to know that). 

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We were able to attend a funeral event for our friend’s mother and Tom was able to share some words of comfort with him. The test results are in and we got to celebrate with several of our friends who passed and will now be able to enter university. Hashiri continues to ask thoughtful questions and to be seeking truth. Megan had a good visit with Ma Imani and they were able to talk about some hard things. Tom had some excellent studies with Muk and Mtsa this past week.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Two island sisters are hoping to travel abroad this week for medical treatment— pray for their healing, for their travels while not feeling well and also for the kids that they are both leaving behind. The rest of us hope to have our monthly women’s gathering and an island sister who has been hesitant to host lately has volunteered her house— pray that it would go well and be an encouragement. We have a visitor arriving on our island today and staying for just over a week to see what work and life looks like for us here on the Clove Island— pray that it would be a good visit. Pray that we would know how to wisely navigate our different relationships with islanders with their varying expectations— pray that our relationships with them would be healthy and draw them more to Him than to us.